Gunhild Archer, counselor

Lately I have been thinking about how differently we perceive each other. I see people as being made up of layers. You are made up of layers, and so am I. The layers are all equally real. The masks you put on when you interact with people – that’s one layer and it’s a valid layer. It’s real. The thoughts or emotions that are just below the surface, beneath your current mask, that’s a different layer and it’s also real. Then you have the subsequent layers. How many I don’t know, but it’s a question I have asked myself countless times. Maybe they are never ending.

I know I have been forceful in my interactions with people for years, if not my entire life. I see more layers than most people. When people deny layers that to me is as obvious as their right arm, I feel unsafe. My solution is to get them to see what I see. If I can manage that, we both agree that same layer exist, and I feel safe. (Or at least safer.) It’s only recently that I’m starting to understand that most people feel unsafe admitting to those deeper layers. Most people don’t want those layers to be seen, there’s a reason why they put on a “layer mask”. The mask is a normal response to the negative experiences they once had when sharing deeper layers of themselves. Not many people are able to see past their past (including myself). Their bodies remember. Their emotions remember. As soon as I start to engage with the deeper layers they assume that I will treat them as they were once treated. And I proved them right every time I didn’t see their fear. I proved them right every time I was absorbed in MY need for safety and thus forcefully tried to make them admit to their deeper layers.

Even though I have this new-found awareness and have adjusted accordingly, I still feel frustrated. So often I’m still met with denial and it hurts. I can’t count how many times I have tried to express my perspective in a gentle “can you entertain the possibility of…” kind of way and the response was “no! That’s just plain stupid, it doesn’t work like that”. I’m sharing one of MY layers, I’m not pushing on one of theirs, and I’m sharing because it makes me feel closer and more connected when I connect on that layer. Being told that “it doesn’t work like that” is similar to saying “I don’t acknowledge your layer” which equals “that part of you is not real”. I mean… Ouch. That hurts. Other times I address someone else’s layer, because… The layer is in my fucking face and it’s really hard to have a conversation with someone about the weather when they are bleeding out from an open wound in their chest. Their reaction? “NO! There is no open wound, what are you talking about?!”

The fact that you are not able to recognize a specific layer doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

It’s ironic to think about how people often point to science as an argument when they state things like “I can’t see it and thus it’s not real”. Isn’t it a scientific attitude to have a curious attitude and an open mind? Anyway, that’s a side note.

I have this voice in my head telling me I should let people be where they are, and I know. I agree. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s ok to hurt someone. It has to be ok to set a standard and to hold the human race to a higher expectation. What I’m trying to say is that I should respect when people don’t want to engage with all layers. People are different – some are ready for depth and others are not. It should also be a standard and an expectation to have an open mind when someone recognize a layer which you can’t see or feel. Instead of shaming/judging/attacking, you can choose to express a boundary and you can do that in a respectful way. The difference between “I feel uncomfortable and unsafe to talk about that, I need X, Y and Z before considering addressing it” and “why do you always have to talk about these things, can’t you just be like a normal person for once” is huge.

It’s painful to live in a world where intimacy is a rarity. I find myself longing for interactions where all layers can be engaged with. The yearning is so intensely alive within me, both when it comes to friendship and for a romantic relationship. There is so much braveness in being willing to let all layers be seen. Relationships will be so damn rich and intimate if we get to see and be seen in all that we are. Imagine if you could meet someone who loved each and every single layer of you, who were committed to making you feel safe, seen and valued… Would you not want that? (If you don’t, I’m curious to understand why.)