I recently discovered Daniel Mackler on YouTube. He worked as a psychotherapist for 10 years. After he quit, he started to make videos. The one I want to address is called ‘Advice to parents who are estranged from their adult children’.
As someone who have had very limited contact with my family for the last three years, the video hit home. I often feel like I’m making an enemy of my parents and parents in general, and even though I feel hurt and sometimes need to blame them for their mistakes, my intention is not to hang them out to dry. Maybe it does not sound like it, but I understand. My parents grew up wanting to be loved, yet love was not free. As they grew up they learned how to behave in order to receive love. Their parents had learned from their parents, who had learned from their parents… Parenting style can be traced back generations. If you think you are breaking the generational pattern by choosing to go in the opposite direction – no. That does not lead to a healthier upbringing for your child, that is simply choosing the other extreme. What would be a healthier way is to consciously attune when you interact with your child. By doing that you will learn how your parenting style affect your child.
As a parent, or a human being for that matter, you do your best with what you got. I included. When your child withdraws… When a friend of mine withdraws… They have a valid and healthy reason for doing so, whether they are able to put that reason into words that accurately describe the heart of the matter. Daniel Mackler is very clear about how to remedy an estranged parent adult-child relationship:
Take responsibility.
(1) Acknowledge what you have done and the negative consequence it had on your child. (You can do that by looking back at your childhood to see how you were raised – that will provide insight into your own patterns, you can look at how you raised your own child to find similar patterns, you can talk to a professional therapist to get an outside perspective, and you can listen to what your child has to say.)
(2) Change your behavior.
(3) Do not pretend like it did not happen.
I would follow the same three steps if a friend of mine withdrew. It is a universal three step process to create repair. I mean… At least I would at this point in life. Five years ago, I would not want to acknowledge the damage I had done as that would have meant that I had fucked up, which would lead to a cascade of beliefs: -> I always fuck up -> I cannot do anything right -> How can anyone ever want to be with me when I cannot do shit right -> I am faulty as a person à something is wrong with me -> I am unlovable and it is my fault. The shame of being a bad person would be so intense that I would NOT be willing to see the damage I had done. Instead I would shut them out and distance myself. Or I would be a good person who was willing to hear them out, yet I would not address what got activated inside of myself which would lead to me distancing myself (it is possible to withdraw emotionally and not physically). That does not solve shit. I am glad to learn that I can make mistakes and still be loved. That makes it way easier to create resolve. Parents who are estranged from their child need to go through the same process of investigating the truthfulness of their beliefs in order to willingly take responsibility.
The action taken by the adult-child of creating distance is a healthy response to unhealthy patterns, behaviors and words. If you grew up in an unhealthy family system, your decision of withdrawing is a statement, that if you put it into words says, “this is no longer acceptable”. The creation of such a boundary is likely to be met with resistance. You are not going to be championed forward by your parents, unless it is one of those days where all the stars and planets align, and unicorns are walking through the streets. Depending on whether or not you have gotten to the part of your journey where you have a support system of close friends, you will most likely be on your own. Creating distance is one of the bravest decisions you will make. Healing is only possible when we face reality, no matter how painful it is.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 