Having ones individual truth while also having the relationship can look like (and I’m running with the example from my previous video and my landlord situation): I want to have my plant because it makes me feel more at home, but my landlord want a clean look to his surroundings. My plant was originally placed outside my front door. An option that might feel good to us both would be to let me put the plant next to his plants, that way it looks more organized. Or maybe I can put it inside my apartment so it’s out of sight. The option he chose (throw the plant away without my knowing) was NOT an option that felt good to both parties.
In a way, the method of creating world harmony is simple.
(1) What do you need and want, and why?
(2) What does the other person need and want, and why?
(3) How can we accommodate BOTH or ALL needs a way that feels good for both parties?
I truly believe that most people aren’t even in the habit of doing this with themselves. I mean, how can we? Most of us never learned how to. Why? Because the generation before us didn’t learn, neither did the generation before them, or the generation before… You catch my drift? We are not very skilled at considering each other’s best interest, which is what needs to be considered if we want to experience safe and intimate relationships.
What we have instead is a lot of painful experiences where we were NOT taken into consideration, which has led us to feel (at best) hesitant (more likely: real scared) about opening up to other people. IF we were to open up, we are exposed and vulnerable – we risk feeling pain. We might get hurt. There have been countless times where I opened up just to experience rejection.
Honestly, I can’t see another way than to keep choosing to open up. I can’t see another way for humanity at large. We want to feel good. Feeling good is a natural byproduct of being taken into consideration (which requires being seen). Can you see that we all have a job to do? We must give each other an opportunity to take our best interest into consideration, and when people do give us the opportunity – we must rise to the occasion and TAKE PEOPLE INTO CONSIDERATION.
The funny thing is that, when you give people the opportunity to consider your best interest, you simultaneously set yourself up to create self-safety. What I mean by that is… If you receive a painful reaction, you get to acknowledge that:
(1) I cannot trust this person with my best interest – I should either have a conversation with this person OR make a different choice in the future to avoid pain.
(2) You get to acknowledge your own reaction. What thoughts, beliefs and feelings arises? Those reactions are YOU. You now have an opportunity to learn what they need, and when you have done that, you get to find a way to meet the need.
If you experience opposing needs inside yourself, much like you would in any family or society – what then? It’s simple. What do YOU want? What does the other parts want? How can you accommodate everyone?
Boom. You are creating a safer world.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 