Gunhild Archer, counselor

I find myself full of sadness and grief today. I watched the video of George Floyd being murdered, and it breaks my heart. I am watching live streams depicting the riots and the looting… Some police officers are kneeling, taking a stand for the black community, I feel my heart break. Some police officers violently pushing people aside, using tasers on bystanders who did not do nothing. I see fear in the victim’s eyes as the police pull them out of their car. I wondered how I would feel if it was me being forcefully pulled out of my car, by police. The police are meant to protect. I imagine I would feel terrified. Frozen. Again, my heart breaks. I look at the police, their body language, and their behavior, while simultaneously keeping in mind that they are amid a riot. Car windows are being smashed, buildings put on fire, people are acting loud. I imagine myself being a cop, facing all this rage, anger, and powerlessness… I imagine I would feel scared. Most likely terrified. I imagine my whole body would be tensed up – ready to protect myself from the dangers I would encounter, maybe I would feel like I was fighting to protect my life. Thinking about the police fearing for their lives also breaks my heart.

Then I tune into Facebook and Instagram… Scrolling through post after post about what is going on. I am being told to educate myself on white supremacy. I am told I am ignorant if I say, “all lives matter”. I am told that I am not allowed to make my pain about me if I am a white person, and that it is not ok to ask friends of color about their experience on racism. I am seeing white people shaming white people. I am seeing people conveying their perspective, maybe from a calm state or from a reactive state, and it does not matter – it triggers people who then lash out in anger. It is chaos. Everyone is fighting someone, we are all fighting each other, and it makes my heart break… Again.

Honestly, I am at loss. I do not know what to do with my feelings. My heart break, my sadness, and my grief. I see the world crumbling in front of my eyes, while the masses are bombarding me with messages of what I should and what I should not do (unless I come across an entrepreneur post, then I am told to create something of value and to not miss out on how the market is changing). I am almost paralyzed. The line I am supposed to walk is almost non-existent. My expression might upset someone, and I risk finding myself receiving resistance, judgement, anger, and hate.

Throughout the day, I have observed myself containing my feelings. In some moments, tears are surfacing and I long for someone to hold me; I long for a man to make me feel safe, I long for a space to let my feelings out. I am exhausted containing them within, by myself. All the pain that is surfacing in the world today needs a safe container to be received and healed, yet the world feels more unsafe than I can ever remember.

I am also containing hurt from my past as well, heavy burdens that has been with me since I was a child. Never really being seen, heard, and felt in my reality. The pain I am crying today is the pain of all things. As I am crying, I can hear my mom’s voice, telling me I should stop feeling everyone’s pain. And I get it. Feeling all the pain nearly breaks me. There are better ways to spend a day than crying the tears of humanity. I can see how my mom means well; she does not want me to be in pain.

But how can I not? We are all connected. I can not watch someone be in pain without also finding myself in pain. To not feel the pain of my fellow man, I must disconnect. Disconnecting to avoid feeling pain makes sense – it relieves me from pain. Yet, it does not make sense. Disconnecting to avoid pain is the reason we are hurting in the first place. Disconnected people can and will hurt people. Why? Because they are not connected to, or aware of, their impact on the other.

I look at the interactions I am a part of, and I am struck by a realization. We are all really scared. We are all feeling so deeply unsafe. It breaks my heart. Again, as if I could handle yet another heart shattering. I feel a heavy emptiness inside my chest, like a void of nothingness. All I want is for someone to stand in front of me, seeing me… I want them to look into my eyes and tell me “I got you. I see you. It is ok. You are allowed to feel this way. I am here. I want to be here. I am not leaving. It is going to be ok. I got you. You are safe. I love you”. How much all of us needs that experience. How much we all need The Other to put down their weapons and to open their hearts. My heart is crying as I see the pain we are in.

Your feelings are ok. You aught to have them. I want to receive them. I want to receive you. You are safe with me. I do not want to hurt you. I can hold you.

We have all been hurt, laying down our weapons and opening our hearts is terrifying. It is not done in a day. I know I need consistent proof and only then will I start to feel trust. Our wounds were created over time, they require time to heal. We have the power to show up in a way that provides proof to our fellow man. Maybe they are in a space where they are ready to receive, maybe not… Maybe they will be ready down the line, or maybe they will never see the experience for what it was, but we got to start somewhere. One interaction at the time.