Gunhild Archer, counselor

I woke up this morning expecting myself to be happy. I was not aware of my real mood, I simply went straight into my usual belief that none of my negative feelings are ok, and instead I should feel different. I told myself I should invite someone out for a coffee and imagined myself walking along side cafe’s packed with people with big smiles on their faces, enjoying one of the first sun-filled summer evenings. I pictured everyone laughing, having easy going conversations, just being – not thinking about tomorrow, or the sorrows from the past. In my mind’s eye I was seeing people enjoying the feeling of being fully present in the moment. At this point I became aware of how out of place I felt. Everyone was happy except me, instead my demeanor was sad and heavy. In my mind’s eye people tried cheering me up, but despite their efforts I was unable to smile. I could hear my mom’s voice appear inside; “You are always so burdened, too serious, not able to be light-mooded, people want easy going and fun”.

As I kept focusing on how I felt, I noticed a familiar feeling of loneliness, accompanied by the words “I’m different”. I truly felt different, like I could never truly belong. “What’s wrong with me?”, I asked myself. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling happy like I perceived everyone else to be.

As I sat with the feeling of loneliness and the voice that expected myself to be happy, I started to see the part of me who felt lonely, and who also felt wrong for feeling lonely. So many people have told her to be happy; to focus on the positive, to let go of the past, to forgive and move on and so on. Myself included. I could see how I have held myself to an expectation that I should be done feeling any “negative” feelings. If I’m not able to let go, it’s simply because I don’t want to which means I’m choosing pain.

I looked at the part of me who felt different. I knew she grew up in a home where she was never seen. She looked at me and as her eyes met mine, I knew she was one of the parts that knew about the abuse I went through. “How can I expect her to be happy?”, I asked myself. I thought about how she must have felt growing up, being on the receiving end of all those hurtful behaviors, and I remembered how my mom used to tell me I was too sensitive, how I was weak and spineless. I was often afraid during my childhood. Every child who grows up in a home where one or both parents are hurting them will feel that way. They are living in a dangerous environment, without a possibility to leave. My fear was labeled in a way that made ME the problem. I was “too much of this” or “not enough of that”. See, it was never the abuse who was the problem, it was me. No one knew about the abuse. In hindsight I wonder if no one wanted to know.

I looked at her, the part of me who felt lonely. I could feel my heart starting to open. I was finally seeing her. Of course, she didn’t feel happy. She was hurting. She was alone. No one saw her, not even me, until now.

I thought about how I had been treating her. I had adopted the attitude of those around me and my expectations towards her had been “you should be able to not feel sad”. Not just that, I had expected her to feel the complete opposite instead. Thinking about what I had been asking of her made me feel sad. I kneeled until I was at her level and then I told her that I understood.

“You have experienced pain; I see that now. It is not possible to forget what has happened, it will always be a part of your experience. Maybe you will hurt less later, but if that is to happen you need your pain to be acknowledged first. You need to be allowed to feel it, and to be loved while feeling it. Just as a mother cannot leave her newborn and be expected to forget that the baby ever existed can you simply forget and move on. Experiences stay for forever and even though it might not be what you want to hear, they sometimes make it impossible to continue your life as it was before. I know that you want to belong to certain people, but if they expect you to always be happy, they are not the right people for you. You cannot be happy all the time, it is not possible given what you went through. I love you. I am sorry I was not here. From this point on I will chose to stand by you and to speak up for your right to feel sad. If people cannot handle that, we can leave if you want to, and it is ok if that hurts too.“

Why is it that we, as a society hold such beliefs; that we should not feel anything except positive feelings? In some situations it might be acceptable to feel sad, it might even be seen as “correct” to have “negative” feelings, yet it is often followed by an almost invisible expectation that says “now is the correct time to stop”.

Why would it be so bad if everyone had feelings whenever the feelings showed up, for as long as it took for the feeling to find genuine relief? My internalized answer is “nothing will ever work if everyone is supposed to have their feelings at all times”. Society wont work, relationships wont work, the family I grew up in would definitively not work – that is the message I was given growing up. A message can not be made much clearer. And maybe it is true. Maybe society would not work. Maybe relationships would have to change. The family structure I grew up in would definitively be dismantled if feelings were allowed.

It leaves me wondering what kind of society we are living in, when the upholding of society is more important than the well-being of the people who live in it. There has to exist a different system that is conducive to human health. There HAS TO be. In a way it is ironic that we suffer as a result of the current structures, yet we fight like our lives depend on it to keep it. Countless times have I observed interactions between people, or between people and the structure itself, just to see how much we are all hurting. Alleviation would happen if we decided to feel the hurt, communicate the need inherent in the pain, and then find a solution that felt good, for everyone involved – not just ourselves. I wish for humanity that everyone would commit to doing that. More feeling and less expecting us to be happy.