I’m finding myself in an inner conflict today. One feeling wants to push away people, and by doing so it’s sabotaging the feeling of being close and intimate. The part that wants to push away feels hurt, humiliated, and vulnerable. She wants distance. When I’m connected to that part, I feel betrayed, like I can’t trust you…
I’m telling the hurt part that the person she currently wants to push away CAN be trusted, but she doesn’t agree. Which makes me feel angry. Thus, the tension – we are opposing each other.
From where I am, in what I perceive is my adult perspective, I feel angry, futile and like the hurt part is ruining everything. I want her gone. I’ve always told her that I understand her pain, while simultaneously being very clear about the origin of her pain. “You got hurt by your parents, it’s not right to let your friends suffer from what your parents did. “If my friend happens to say or do something that touches my “collection of pain”, it’s not her fault. It’s simply me who’s too sensitive because of my past.
I seem to believe that the life I have lived shouldn’t be a part of the equation. It shouldn’t affect me, and it shouldn’t be something my friends have to be considerate about. I should know how to differentiate between past and presence. I should be able to draw a clear line in the sand. Which is odd…
I would never tell a rape victim to not be affected by her past. I would tell her “of course you should be friends with people who understand and who want to be by your side when the gnarly stuff hits the fan, that’s how you heal. That’s how you correct what you’ve already learned”. But for some reason I expect myself to live by different rules.
Even though I can see that my expectation is neither soft nor self-caring, and I know I want to have my own back – always, I’m having a hard time knowing what to do. I know that my friend can’t currently hold space for this part of me, simply because she is afraid of hurting me. That’s how much she cares about the relationship. It doesn’t soften the hurt part though. And it doesn’t feel good to push her aside when I’m meeting my friend either, although doing so would potentially give me a momentarily feeling of closeness.
My friend and I have a very loving and open relationship. Besides it feeling bad to push aside the hurt part, it also feels bad to not be fully authentic. It feels like a game of pretend, which is the opposite of what our relationship is. I imagine it will hurt her too to be kept at an arms distance.
Either I bring everything to the table, and we talk it through until we have found a third option, or…
I conclude (for now) that she is not ready AND I get to stay true to my feelings and my needs. It has simply come to a momentarily halt… I’ve lived my entire life pushing down parts of myself to avoid these kinds of consequences, but now I’m choosing a different game entirely. I’m moving forward while being considerate to all of me.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 