Gunhild Archer, counselor

(If you are genuinely able to receive validation, this post is not for you.)

Something I have noticed in myself, and I think it is also prevalent in the spiritual field, is the tendency to gratefully receive validation. I might tell a friend that her action made me feel hurt, to which she replies that she can totally understand and that I have every right to feel that way. To which then I feel pressured to “be ok”. Yet, I am not.

From what I can see, the “not ok-ness” is connected to two things:

• What or whom is on the receiving end of the validation (is it the parts of us that acts nice, or is it the nitty gritty real parts?)

and

• Validation in and of itself are not worth much without action to back it up

The whole premise of healing has to do with releasing trauma or unprocessed/un-integrated emotions through validation. In other words: trauma happened, it was left unresolved, and we learned that the feelings brought up by the trauma were not ok. Read that again… NOT being given a chance to feel the trauma is part of the trauma.

When an old trauma resurfaces, it is not always enough to validate the emotions. It would have sufficed in the original experience, but now – as an adult RE-experiencing, you are encountering not only the original wound, but also the beliefs you formed as the original emotions were rejected, shamed, denied, disowned…

The validation will encounter parts who learned that feelings are not ok, and it will contradict everything they have ever known. I mean, I would never accept something new straight off the bat. And why should I? Yet, my response to being validated has been to act like I take it to heart, and to express gratitude. A normal phrase has been: “Thank you for reassuring me”. It has a hint of good girl to it.

The reality though, is far different. If I had let my truth be known, I would meet validation with a counter push. I do not believe I am allowed to feel how I feel.

I do not think most people understand how likely it is to be met with resistance when validating someone. Most people expect to be received in their validation, and when they are not, they get triggered. (Naturally so, rejection sets off all kinds of pain.)

The real work, the lifechanging kind of healing, to truly touch each other – it has rough edges. It is not smooth sailing. We have to be prepared for rough seas.

Think about it… We spent our entire childhood, possibly also our adult life, being told in numerous ways, subtle and less subtle, that feelings are not ok. That is the knowledge stored in our bodies. We have plenty of proof to back it up. Being told “you are allowed to feel the way you do” goes against everything we have learned. If you find yourself responding by saying “thank you”, and acting like you are all good now, it proves the point. You just stepped into the trap of being nice because you believe your feelings are NOT ok. If your feelings truly were ok, you should be able to respond to the validation by expressing feelings of anger and distrust.

I think many of us feel like we can express our initial feelings that says: “I felt hurt when you said that”, but we do not reveal the next layer of “I do not trust your validation”. We took the first step to voice how we feel, but we are not allowing the full experience of the feeling and thus miss out on the REAL healing. You miss out on connecting with the core.

Many of us need space to NOT be ok with validation. I believe that is where most of us are. You deserve to have someone sit with you in your pain, to validate that, and to receive all the reactions your body can muster up in response to the validation. Pushing away – I am here. Being angry – I am here. Turning your back – I am here. Throwing a fit – I am here. THAT is unconditional presence. Spiritual bullshit preaches emotional acceptance but will have you shift how you feel in an instant. Meh, that is all I have to say about that. I might want to add: “fuck that shit”.

It is when you enter the space where you believe you will not be accepted, and you feel the acceptance, that you heal.