Gunhild Archer, counselor

I have been pondering the relationship between two aspects of me.

One feels hopeless. She wants to be held and fully relax into someone’s embrace, yet she doesn’t know anyone who feels comfortable in that role. The other part, she is the mask I put up to the outside world, is siding with other people. She is the one telling the first part “You can’t expect people to hold you, you have to understand that they are not in a position to do so”.

The second part believes it’s not fair to dictate people’s behavior. Asking someone to hold me, and react with feelings of hurt and withdrawal if they can’t, is equal to punishment. I’m punishing them for not meeting my needs. Only a tyrant would do that. If I’m not happy with how they comfort me, I will make them feel inadequate. They are doing their best and I’m making them feel like they aren’t good enough. It’s wrong to expect people to be someplace they aren’t. I should accept them where they are.

If I, in my childhood, made my parents feel inadequate (aka: my parents are now hurting), I saw it as my job to comfort them. “If I stabilized them, they might be in a position to comfort me”, that was my childhood reasoning.

As an adult, I’m still re-leaving my childhood. Few people know how to be unconditionally present. Most people get triggered when their attempts of comfort are not well received, leaving me torn between the part that desperately needs to be held, and the part that wants to avoid being let down.

Because I don’t want to make people feel inadequate, I hesitate to seek out those very few whom I know CAN hold me, or to establish new relationship where the skill to comfort is present. Doing so would send a clear message to those who can’t that they aren’t up for the job. It might also make me let them go, which is something I definitively want to avoid. Fear of heartbreak.

In my childhood I didn’t have a choice, I was bound to the four walls of the house. If I hurt my parents I was screwed, they were my sole source of safety. Now, I can choose. I would even say it’s my job to choose. If I want to live a fulfilling life, I get to seek out people who CAN hold me. It truly is challenging to put myself in a position where I might end up leaving people behind whom I care for deeply. It’s not like I’m walking away from being treated badly, I’m walking away from something that’s not good enough which brings up a whole lot of stories around worthiness (or the lack thereof).

One thing that strikes me as I’ve been typing is that people can learn. I have compassion for the place they’re in, but learning IS an option. It feels utterly self-centered and high demand to voice that. Shame is flushing over my body. I wish I could wrap up this post with a feeling of relief, but I can’t. The closest I can get to a “wrap it up nice and put a bow tie on it” is to tell you that, for the first time in my life I’m going to take a week off work to seek out people, places and activities that gives me a feeling of containment, being held and deep relaxation.