I feel like I’m fighting an invisible enemy. It’s easy to see it externally, but I can feel its presence originates inside. People in the outer world simply play into what’s already inside – the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.
I shouldn’t have reactions.
I should be accepting.
I believe that if I’m in pain, there’s something I need to shift. When I share my pain, I want the other to “hold it down”. I want to be told “I’m here with you, you’re allowed to feel the way you feel”. Questions with the intention of lessening my pain, or suggestions to feel better, activates the pressure to NOT feel. It turns what could have been a healing experience, into a reinforcement of the original trauma.
My parents taught me that feelings weren’t ok. The spiritual community did a solid job adding to that message. The belief “you create your own reality” makes me feel like the sole responsibility for whether I’m experiencing pain or pleasure is on ME. Meeeee. It’s all on me. In short… Every time I’m met with an agenda that implies that I should do something with my emotions, this deep wound activates.
Which is painful.
And I don’t WANT to be in pain. If they were to sit down with me in my pain, I would probably tell them: “But I don’t want to hurt!”, with an energy of “help me out of the pain”. It’s tempting to DO something to make the pain go away. Even more so if you believe you create your own reality and can see that the reason why I’m in pain has to do with a limiting belief provided to me by the socialization process.
Sometimes though, the belief is an accurate depiction of reality. Sometimes the reality hurts and it’s that simple. There are ways to live with the pain, sure, but that’s not the point. My point is that my pain is doubled when I expect myself to “shift” the pain, “process” the pain, “integrate” the pain and the list goes on. I’m in pain because I feel like it’s my responsibility to change a reality that can’t be changed “just like that”, and certainly not by me alone.
It truly is hard to acknowledge that I’m dependent upon my surroundings for my well-being. I live in a world where most people aren’t really that conscious – it sucks. People will make my behavior mean something negative about themselves, for instance: I tell someone that they seem angry, and they make it mean “you see me as an antagonist – you hate me”. Not everyone can see the meaning they are projecting.
That’s real. And it hurts.
I feel like between a rock and a hard place. I wish I wasn’t affected by projections. I tell myself that if I have healed “enough”, I won’t be affected. After all, if I didn’t believe the projections, I wouldn’t be affected. I don’t think that’s true, at least not entirely. What feels true is that it hurts to be separate from people to the degree that they see me as someone I’m not. They are in pain because of how they THINK I see them, they are hurting, and all I can do is to accept where they’re at. (Which makes me the bad guy and is a blow to my ego – that’s not too comfortable, but entirely my emotions to feel.)
It’s challenging to let them have their perspective. I struggle to hold their truth as a subjective truth and to not take the truth as my own. Yet I remember the energy they are coming from; it’s attacking and defensive. Not curious and open. I’m not taking truth from someone who’s upset.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 