Gunhild Archer, counselor

The last few days I’ve been asking myself if my tendency to see the other person’s perspective, to hold space, and to express my truth from a place of openness and “not pushing away”, is a way to gain power in relationships. I’m currently dealing with a conflict where I’ve stepped into the role of space-holder, so the topic feels highly relevant.

The first thing that comes to me as a response to the question, is an objection. Well, the first-first thing that happens is that I change the question into a statement:

“You are using “holding space” as a power-play.”

The next thing I do is to make it wrong.

What follows is the expectation that I should be doing something different.

(That’s my mom’s legacy: “Whatever you’re doing is wrong and you should do something different”.)

There’s a voice inside, telling me to stop being so understanding. Being understanding so as to be seen as good makes me bad. The correct thing to do would be to admit to my truth, whatever that truth is. The fact that I would feel like a self-centered person if I expressed it means that I’m avoiding shame which means it’s true; I AM doing the power play.

The objection comes as a response my internalized mom voice. There’s a resistance to being less understanding. There’s resistance to stating my truth.

If I imagine not holding space and/or staying my truth, I believe there won’t be resolve. I believe the other person will insist that I have done something wrong, and that every attempt I make to share my truth will be judged as a way to avoid admitting to my own wrongdoing. They will tell me that I’m in resistance to vulnerably owning my shame. “You’re attempting to gain power by not admitting to what you’ve done wrong, and instead act like “the good guy” who holds space.”

It’s a sneaky and manipulative way to corner me. They are forcing me to accept THEIR perception. It leaves me feeling like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. Even IF I admit to my wrongdoings, it feels like something more is expected; that I should receive the feelings they so adamantly are forcing onto me. After all, I (!) made them feel that way.

They don’t know that what they’re feeling is latent within themselves, it was already a part of them before I came along. Instead of owning that though, they project, and they do it so sneakily that I believed them. I realize now that I forgot to see the red flag: they made room for only one reality – theirs.

Me stepping into the role of space-holder is a way to stay safe. It’s a way to control the situation, done from a child’s perspective. It’s a result of me not feeling like my experience, my truth, my reality, is valid, but instead wrong and bad. Knowing that makes me want to own up to my truth, and within that lies the real power. I no longer have to attempt to gain power, I exude power.