Gunhild Archer, counselor

I don’t think I have felt this agitated in a long time. I feel vibrating tension and pressure in my upper body – my heart area to be specific. Fists are filled with solidness too, like they want to strangle someone.

My writing today is a container for me to express and explore, raw and honest. Unsavory. Whatever is about to unravel, it’s mine. I’m owning it.

I feel angry and alone. The anger is on top, the aloneness is further in. I see people, influencers and experts, both “real” and self-proclaimed, speak about how things work. Lots of labels and claiming-to-know.

At this point, the tension has turned into a knot in my stomach. I feel nauseous. I expect to be told I’m no better, which is what my parents would say. They wouldn’t allow me to simply feel the way I feel. When I stay with the anger, and the perception I have if the influencers and experts, I feel like exploding.

I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them! I want to scream: “Wake up! Why aren’t you curious?!”. I want to yell, “WHY!?”.

I feel desperation, fear, despair, terror. People feels unsafe. They are so focused on talking, telling you what to do, who to be, and what to feel. No one is touching the other, instead there’s a glaring lack of genuine connection.

But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that people are swallowing the messages whole. They’re looking at influencers with admiration and sparks in their eyes, like the influencer is God. No one is doing the real work of finding their own truth. They are laying at the feet of someone who validates certain aspects of themselves. And the influencers are making shit tons of money.

And I am not. Again, I feel like I want to scream in frustration! I’m here, not talking about doing the work, but DOING it, showing it, and inviting people to find their OWN truth. I’m putting so much time and energy into walking my talk, yet I don’t make shit tons of money. It feels deeply unfair. You know when you have given it your all, over and over and over, and others are succeeding while you’re not? That’s where I’m at. On top of that: I feel like what I have to offer is more valuable and it’s not appreciated. That’s the truth.

It’s really hard to allow myself to express this, but I want to accept this side of me too. I don’t want to keep doing what I’ve always done, and tell myself to “stop whining, get your shit together and do what needs to be done!”.

I am doing what needs to be done, and I will continue to reassess and make adjustments to reach my goal, but right now I feel unhappy, wrenched, and jealous. I feel the child in me who didn’t get the help she knew she deserved… The child that, when expressing her hurt, was told to “stop sulking”.