Complete transparency… I feel utterly puzzled. Both by the world I’m observing, and myself too. I feel like an innocent child who just woke up to being in my body, while simultaneously feeling a deep frustration coming from somewhere else.
It feels like an important split to understand, but I’m hesitant to explore as I don’t feel like I’m coming from a curious and openminded place. I don’t feel in control. If I focus to gain awareness, I instantly feel deflated. My brain is all of a sudden filled with cotton, and I feel really young.
“I want mom”, keep going through my mind, followed by tears streaming down my face. The cry of a child in a world that weighs too heavy, where people’s behaviors doesn’t make sense, where no one is truly seeing. A world where the only way to be loved, or more accurately: to avoid being shamed, rejected, and disowned, is to push my feelings down, and act like I’m fine.
But I’m not.
The innocent part of me feels alone and afraid. “What kind of world am I living in? How am I going to be ok when no one sees?”, she asks. She wants to be the remedy. She wants to see, hold, and comfort. That way everyone gets to feel what it feels like – they get to learn that it exists. If they learn, they access choice. If they know it’s possible to see, hold, and comfort, they can choose to do it.
The frustrated part can’t take it, the showing up, giving people what they need, being vigilant about not upsetting people. She is tired of giving people the missing experience with the hope that, THIS time, they will understand. She is tired of trying to care for people so that they can care about her.
I don’t know how to navigate the two, but I know I have to find a way. It weighs heavy on me that I can’t be there for everyone. It weighs heavy on me that I want to care for myself first. It weighs heavy on me that I can’t always treat people the way I want to be treated.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 