I want to share an experience I had with my own futility. To give you a backdrop: I have blamed my futility for not “attracting” a romantic relationship for years. Countless internal dialogues going like “everything is energy, I have such big (I mean BIG) futility, of course I will attract experiences that mirrors that”. People leaving, rejections, blabla, “coming from lack is bad”, all that shit.
Yesterday I had a coaching session where I was invited to do EFT (emotional freedom tapping) on the topic of “He loved me, but he changed his mind and now he doesn’t want me anymore. He is even denying having wanted me in the first place. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make him love me”.
As I was tapping, I could feel different emotions starting to surface. My coach told me to breath into them, to let them surface, which lead me to close down immediately. I felt hard, like I was creating a shell around my emotions. Suppression at its finest.
When she asked why I was closing down, I (my futility) said: “It’s a test. To see who wants to be present. Who really has the time? Who really has the patience? Who really wants to be with me for as long as I need?”.
Next, my morning pages. They led me straight into the futility aspect. Three pages of her expressing, and me witnessing.
Do you know what she said? That she is what I want. I want someone to BE WITH ME just as I am. Not needing to change. No releasing emotions. She wants to be together for the sake of being together. She said she wants someone who don’t need me to be anything else than what I am in that moment. Right there, together, forever.
She told me that there’s another part of me, running around being all haywire, trying to be the right thing, shift how she feels, transmute transmute transmute, obsessing and stressing over doing the right thing in the right way… All in an effort to get the presence where she doesn’t have to be or do anything else than what she is, in that moment. That part, she told me, is what I’m used to being.
Then I felt like they changed place.
You know what feeling came afterwards? Deep, calm presence. Maturity. Knowing who I am. Being at peace with who I am. Warm, steady adoration for myself. I look at myself and see beauty. I feel love. I felt acceptance for not (yet) having someone to share it with, the experience of being together, all of me and all of him. I feel acceptance for the rarity of its existence. Not many people can meet me at my depth. I have only met a handful. Accepting that makes me feel like the ocean, which is a big and deep feeling, but it is no longer a fight. Not in this moment at least. In this moment I feel stillness.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 