I had a friend years back… We stopped being in touch when I finally accepted that he wasn’t going to meet me at the depth I wanted. His was afraid of meeting himself, and as a result, at loss for how to meet me.
Last year, we got back in touch. My initiative. We talked about where we wanted the relationship to go, and he said he was ready to go deep. He wanted new levels of intimacy. To some degree he wanted it for me, and our relationship, but more so – he wanted it for himself.
Down the road, we found ourselves in a resolve-conversation. He had withdrawn, and we were trying to understand what had happened. Then he withdrew, again. I was left feeling torn between approaching him, giving him space, and ending the relationship (or at least re-labeling it from “close friend” to “someone I enjoy hanging out with occasionally”).
When he finally came back, weeks later, he vulnerably told me how the responsibility had become overwhelming. He has been taking care of his siblings since he was 8 and has continued in the care-taker role ever since. He is the kind of guy who always goes that extra mile to make people feel cared for. I know about his pattern. I have been waiting for it to crack open. No wonder I felt hopeful as the conversation played out:
Him: “I feel like I’m close to realizing something, I think I’m close to figuring it out.”
Me: (Feeling like he is determined to get to the bottom of what needs to change, and to make the actual change.) “Do you want some resources? I can put you in touch with someone I know. I’m here too.”
Him: “You know, I think I just need my vacation, I will feel better after some rest.”
Me: (Wait, what… You will wait for your energy to come back so you can continue doing the same over-responsibility shit??) “… If you want support, wouldn’t it make sense to say yes to it?”
Him: “It’s ok, I will deal with myself.”
Me: “… Do you know what you need to deal with?”
Him: “No, but I will figure it out”.
Me: (… He is missing the point. He missed the moment where he could have made the change. If I continue waiting for him to change, I’m no better. So, what do I want to do; do I change the relationship into another type of connection, or do I put my focus into something else entirely?)
The now-moment, it’s fascinating and frustrating stuff. I mean… One thing is to not be ready; you still need something to happen in your process before action is correct, it’s another thing to not use the moment.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 