Gunhild Archer, counselor

Realizations have been coming in hot in regard to the shame I have been feeling the last two weeks…

To heal the shame, I had the intention to fully feel it. I believe the only way out is through. Letting myself feel it has been a struggle. I have dipped into the shame, just to find myself pulling out. It has been a battle between two aspects of me:

(1) I want to defend myself; I didn’t do nothing wrong,

and

(2) I did something wrong; I should do the right thing and take ownership of all the ways I’m wrong. Take it all. Accept that I’m bad.

Interestingly, the second part believes that if I just show up in vulnerability, if I just own my side of the equation (which that part of me believe is the entire equation), the other person wants to make friends. They will be equally as willing to show up from vulnerability, to own what’s theirs, and to communicate with the intention of finding resolve.

Anyway… At some point it hit me that both options aim to ensure my goodness. Basically, I’m attempting to not have shame. It was when I was reflecting upon that when the following image came me…

Me standing in front of a number of people. Blurry faces. One of them was my mom. I had tried to do something, or be someone, to prove myself. I wanted attention and recognition – I wanted to be loved. I had failed, and thus I felt ashamed. The crowd was laughing, making fun of my attempt to be good when everyone could see I wasn’t. What a desperate attempt to be liked. Didn’t I have any self-respect? It felt humiliating, like I was willing to stoop that low just to be loved.

What I experienced was being shamed for feeling shame. I could literally NOT win. If I tried to deny, they would laugh. If I took it all, they would laugh.

I learned that my need to be loved was shameful. The desire for all-encompassing closeness would trigger their shame, which they, because it felt too unbearable for them to feel, projected onto me.

I never learned that a human has natural boundaries, and that I’m lovable also when I have these limitations. To counter the feeling of not being loved (and the shame of trying to be loved), I tried to be both more than human, and less than human.

The sweet taste of feeling like I’m allowed to feel shame, that shame is in fact not shameful… It feels like boundless freedom. It feels like a new life.