I find myself in a peculiar, but fertile place. I feel angry, like I want to push people against the wall. Not only with my bare hands, but with my words too… I want to point out their discrepancies and force them to explain themselves.
When I feel deeper into the anger, I feel wounded. Hurt. I can see myself standing inside a circle of people, none of them understand me, nor are they willing to. The sentence “No one is coming to save me” comes to mind, followed by an emerging strength. As the strength rises, it sets off a cascade of reactions in the space surrounding the strength. Questions asking to be reassured. Is it ok stand firm in my truth?
I’m standing in the middle of the circle, and I feel “I don’t want to!”. I don’t want to caretake people. I no longer want to be responsible for the bond between me and others. I feel like I’m done. As I stay with it, a feeling emerges from deep inside my belly. It feels old, as an ancient cave, long hidden from civilization.
Inside the cave is a different, but connected, message. I want all layers to be a part of every relationship. I want people to be responsible and have free will, and I want them to both want and choose the deeper layers. I want them to truly desire to know my depth. And I want them to care about how we affect each other. I want soul fulfillment, desire, intriguing, all-encompassing… I don’t want sacrifices or showing up because “it’s the right thing to do”.
Another thing I want is to be seen as a unique individual. Why are so many people telling others what they should and shouldn’t do? Why is it that we don’t see each other as unique beings, with unique desires, a unique path, with unique ways of functioning, and not to mention a unique set of, both lived, and yet to live, experiences. I want to always be guided back to myself.
That being said, I don’t want to interact with people who don’t acknowledge that we exist of different layers, or with people who has a completely different relationship to the layers than me. Interacting with someone who aren’t aware of their multi layered existence feels like talking to someone who has a dog on a leash. The dog bites, and when I communicate that I got bitten, and I would like the dog not to bite, the person denies the dog’s existence.
Usually, I would react by being understanding. I would tell myself things like “People wake up in their own time”, “they deserve to me met with kindness” etc. Today feels different. The steadily emerging strength demands change. Silencing my reality to avoid conflict feels like saying yes to behavior which hurts me. It doesn’t feel good. Neither does it feel good to push against them. Inviting them to see what I see doesn’t feel good. Or walking away – it also doesn’t feel good. I keep looking for a solution, but I can’t find one. I’m left with the unbearable feeling of not being ok while not seeing a way out. Not unless THEY change. Which is the one thing I can’t control. I know plenty of people who would tell me to focus on the things I CAN control, and I get their point. To acknowledge the pain inherent in being interconnected and affected by people who don’t take my best interest into account, that’s important too.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 