I was just about to write a whole post addressed to those who tell me: “why are you always sad? It’s always something, you’re never just fine”.
I wanted to go on a rant about (1) how it’s normal to go through hardship when you’re healing from sexual abuse and emotional neglect, and (2) even if I didn’t have a past packed with trauma, it’s STILL normal to, on the DAILY, experience a variety of emotions.
Then the “you have a feeling, you’re triggered, you should work on that”-part came forward. The part that believes having feelings is bad and wrong, and it’s for sure my fault if I have them.
The dialog inside continues: “You’re projecting. No one talked to you, yet you’re acting out a dialogue inside your head. You’re talking to one of your own parts, that part is the problem”. One part of that is true. There was an aspect of myself (two actually) playing out (three to be honest, if I count the one dialoging, but I didn’t have that awareness just yet).
When this part of me appears, I feel like taking 200% responsibility. Since feelings are bad and wrong, owning them, and turning against them, will rob people from the possibility to make them bad. I will save myself from mistreatment done by others.
As I realized I was in touch with my internalized antagonist (aka my protector), my attitude changed. I went from wanting to fix my feelings to wanting to fix the part of me who wanted to fix my feelings (so many internal attempts to regulate):
“The part of me who’s telling me I shouldn’t feel sad, but instead suck it up and act like a normal person who doesn’t require special treatment, that’s the one to fix. If I can convince her, it IS ok to feel, everything will change. I will be at peace, no more inner conflict, I won’t react when people tell me I’m not allowed to feel because I will know it’s not true, and anyways – I won’t even attract people like that when I have shifted how I feel”.
Another step back as I realized I was still trying to change something with the underlying attitude of: “it’s not ok to feel the way you feel”. NOW… I’m in the place of free will. Choice.
I see my conditioning: I’m not allowed to have a wide and regular variety of feelings; in fact, I’m not allowed to have none. It’s ok to believe that. That’s a part of me. That belief is here for a reason.
I get to question my conditioning: Is it true? Depends on who you ask. Is it true for me? No. How do I know? Because it doesn’t feel good to reject, disown and deny how I feel.
I get to choose something new: I set the rules in my own life. I will teach myself that I’m allowed to feel all the feelings, and I will do so with patience and care. I understand where I’m coming from. It’s a lot to unlearn. It runs deep.
I get to have a say about my external reality: People might not agree with my rules. Some people will imply that I shouldn’t feel the way I do. I’m allowed to state clearly how I expect to be treated. I’m allowed to love them while also choosing to not engage.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 