This is a story about a mindset-shift in regard to me, my family, and my “naive idealism”.
Prelude: I’m not much in touch with my family, in fact I haven’t been for roughly 6 years. It’s not my favorite choice and I tend to feel pretty guilty as a result. Sadly, but naturally, I have taken their viewpoint to heart. Just as they see my boundaries, my distancing, and my “I appreciate your invitation, but no – I don’t want to participate” as a hurtful rejection, I personally see my choices as hurtful rejection. All in all: I’m the one causing the pain.
Everything I don’t accept, every offer I turn down, is felt by them as disapproval or rejection. It’s not seen as a communication of that which I see as better; that which I want for us. Turning down THEIR invitation, which is basically an invitation to step back into a dynamic that is causing everyone pain whether they recognize it or not, can be seen as an invitation TO them. I’m giving them an opportunity, a gift, to open their awareness to something new and better, to step into something new and better. It feels risky to leap, and it is, but with risk comes potential reward and that reward is what I hope to actualize.
The feelings brought up in them as I keep making decisions according to my vision, those are theirs to feel. The meaning that comes up in them, that’s theirs to question. They have an opportunity to communicate what comes up, and by doing that, gifting themselves with a new and better experience. That new experience is the building block for a huge increase in relationship quality.
That’s the invitation.
I honestly don’t see any other way forward than to go through what I just outlined. I also see how scary it is given the number of negative experiences we carry within us. We are truly a traumatized species, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Making repair is a process that ask both parties to be brave, and to be responsible in how they show up.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 