Gunhild Archer, counselor

I have been caught in one of my most dominant patterns the last few days. Multiple parts with conflicting needs, everyone trying to get their way, resulting in a pretty intense (and loud) inner debate.

A vulnerable and hurt part who desperately wants and needs to be wanted in all her feelings. She has 30 years’ worth of experience being made wrong for everything she feels. Naturally she is rather distrustful and anticipates that people won’t understand.

An innocent part who sees everyone she gets to meet as a gift. She wants to connect. Her capacity to welcome feelings is vast. Every aspect of you would be welcomed. She wants everyone to show up just as they are as that’s the only way to truly feel connected.

A part that shames and judges. She is trying to figure out how I need to show up to be on the same page as people. She is the one trying to figure out what rules people are playing by, and boy, she has an endless number of rules…

• -> Be confident and know your value. Under no circumstance should other people’s reactions to who you are, or what you feel, affect you.
• -> Show up without preconceptions. It’s off-putting to carry your past with you, especially if it seeps through energetically. Drop the mistrust and suspicion. Don’t be wounded, be healed.
• -> Drop the need to be seen and validated. Stop forcing people to abide by what YOU think is the right way to treat you, when you do that, you’re not letting people be who they are. You’re being controlling. Don’t put it on him to validate you anyway, it’s needy. Your feelings are your responsibility.
• -> Coming from a place of demand is a turn off. Be vulnerable, but with no attachment to his reaction. If you get hurt by how he reacts, don’t tell him you’re hurt. Be curious about where he is coming from instead. When you understand him, you will see that he meant well, aka you have no reason to be hurt.

As I’ve let myself feel the rules on how I should behave, another rule part shows up. It’s the part that wants me to follow the new rules:

• -> I should give people a chance, but I’m allowed to have feelings at the same time. My past made an impact on me, and it’s a part of me whether I like it or not. I’m allowed to want my feelings to be seen.
• -> I’m allowed to want to be understood and held. A man who wants to witness me as I open up to the deeper layers, he exists. Because he wants to be there, my need to be seen will not feel like a demand.

… I wish this post was less all over the place. Less complex. Less words too. But that’s not the reality of me. There are numerous moving parts, and right now they are all moving at once. I want to feel clear and calm, but it takes time to get there. It requires me to become aware, to navigate the old and create the new… It’s a big process.

One thing I realized as I wrote this post is that I’m stepping into a life of innocence. I’m choosing to show up with an open heart and a blank slate for people to be themselves. It’s vulnerable to show up like that. It makes me feel how brutal the world is.

Another thing that came to mind is a question… I made those rules for a reason – they are an adaptation, but to what? What was on the opposite side to make me adapt as I did?