Gunhild Archer, counselor

The damage of childhood trauma.

I spoke to someone at the gym today, we were talking about childhood trauma and how it affects us as adults. Her long-time pattern has been to protect herself with anger – she could go from 0 to 100 in a second. One of the things she said made me realize how much I have changed. Like her, I used to use words as expectations and demands when speaking about being treated well; to be loved and cared for. I saw my emotions and reactions purely as a “my thing to fix” (there’s several big mishaps in that sentence, but I won’t go into that).

“When I get angry, it’s out of proportions. My partner says something, and that “something” resembles a voice from my past. Instantly, I’m activated. Mentally, I know they are not the person from the past, but my feelings don’t get that”.

To me, the conclusion is a hasty one, but not only that, it bereaves my friend from a chance to create deeper intimacy.

What if the now-person had something in their tone of voice, maybe they carried an energy similar to the past-person?

It’s not fair to dismiss her reaction by saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. There has to be a bigger space to hold both. Her reaction is valid, it is a reaction to something real. Whatever she reacted to is also valid, it’s real. The energy she picks up on doesn’t automatically equate to her preconceived, trauma-based reaction, but that doesn’t take away the fact that she picked up on something, and that something is there to be picked up on.

The sentences she said that stuck with me after I left the gym:

“I can’t expect anyone to change to accommodate me, I can only control myself.”

It’s a sentence that speaks loudly… It sums up a traumatic childhood. Growing up learning that people aren’t capable of caring for how you feel. Not experiencing that people want to change their ways to make you feel better.

In a healthy relationship, there is space to address what she perceives. It will be space for her reactions to be consciously expressed and/or explored, and for his reality to be expressed and explored. And last, but not least, there will be a desire to share realities, to bridge gaps, and to resolve whatever is asked to be resolved in order for intimacy to be re-established (and deepened).

Yes, you can only control yourself.

And… You can expect people to change to accommodate you. (Of course, lots of nuance to this topic, but the main point remains.)