Gunhild Archer, counselor

My thought going into this is that I’m dealing with a projection in the sense that there’s an underlying experience flavoring my current experience, but there are also valid needs towards people in my current reality, and subsequential valid reactions when those are not met.

Current feeling: anger. Towards people. Everyone in fact. I’m angry that my attempts to create an income isn’t bearing fruits. I’m angry at people for not reaching out for help. I’m angry that people don’t see that they need help. I’m angry that people shove their dysfunctions under the carpet. I’m angry that IF they chose to get help, they don’t choose the right kind of help – one that works. Instead of choosing me, who would help them find their own authority, they chose someone who lightens the load by providing avoidant (but feel-good) rituals.

It’s easy to talk myself out of the fact that this is an aspect of my experience, that it’s a valid perspective, and instead go all “it’s a projection, if I heal, I will have a loving and accepting attitude towards no-matter-what-people-do”. Truth is (part of the truth): I have disdain for the weakness I see in people. It appalls me. The lack of spine. The excuses. Meekness.

So, here comes one of the deeper layers… Especially my parents. I hate my dad. And my mom. They are choosing to feed the lie that everything is ok. Clinging onto it with their bare hands. They are lying to the degree they believe their own lies, or else they wouldn’t have communicated it with such unwavering conviction. It’s the perfect gaslight. Their suppression of truth, the constant fight to NOT go there, NOT see it, NOT feel it – it’s their normal. It feels like a intense, continuous energetic movement away from what’s real, one they are unaware of.

It. Drives. Me. Fucking. Crazy.

They still make it clear that they are not satisfied. People complain about their circumstances all the time. Their unhappiness seeps through in subtle, and often passive aggressive ways. Yet… Pure resistance towards my offer to help. A subtle nudge to invite them into a different perspective, and they are heels dug in within seconds.

Those times when I’m asked why I’m angry, and I share my frustrations, they either do nothing to help me navigate the situation or start listing a number of things I could do differently. Which is a mind fuck. The people who complain about their lives are telling me what to do to reach people like them. Imagine the confusion as a child. I saw the reality of my parents. I wanted to help. They got upset and proceeded to tell me what I could do differently to reach them. The new approach didn’t work. It’s not possible to make sense of that as a child.

The reality of my parents is the reality of so many people. Truth is uncomfortable. What I’m trying to sell is the thing that triggers people the most.

At this point, I have gotten so deep into the material to feel like it’s unbearable. I want to cry and rage at the same time. I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, violently. I want to tell him to stop denying my truth. HIS truth. I don’t want to be told how to solve the situation by doing x, y, and z… It makes absolutely no sense to be provided solutions BY THE ANTAGONIST. Unless the solution is for the root to be addressed, but that’s not the solutions I’m being provided.

If I’m being fully transparent, something else is going as as well… As I’m writing this, I feel like I should explain the process I’m going through to help you understand the value of doing this kind of process. I mean, my hurt and rage was suddenly directed towards HIM. My dad. I went from talking generally to addressing a specific person. How did that happen? By letting myself express how I feel, I drop deeper into the layers, revealing more…

Truth is… Despite the parts of me who tells me not to project, they know no one is obligated to buy my services, that I have no reason to be upset at you, that my offer might not feel even the slightest amount of correct to you… The parts who fear being told: “if you’re angry at me/your followers/people in general, it means you need to integrate those parts. Integrate them and they won’t bother you (or even better, they won’t appear in your reality)”… Despite all of that… There’s still hurt. Mixed with rage, and despair. This is the how I feel when my truth is disowned and rejected, when the possibility of finding a solution to the painful feelings aren’t even an option.