Someone recently told me to consider showing a more content and welcoming face. They also suggested that I stopped digging into my pain. The question I got was: “Don’t you want people to see you as someone positive and approachable?” This is not new feedback, but it’s been a while since it affected me like it did today.
For someone who is dedicating her time and energy to re-writing the message I was socialized into believing, that my feelings are a burden, I shouldn’t feel them, they are not wanted, they are wrong… Which is perpetuated by society to this day… That was a hurtful message to be told.
Unsolicited advice. It’s not about me. I didn’t ask for help, nor did I ask for advice. My stance is, and has been for years, that I want to fully experience life. I would like company in my experiences, but that’s it. No fixing.
If I were to guess her intentions for the advice… I imagine she believes that SHE is better liked if she shows a content and welcoming face. I imagine she projects her fear of being disregarded, shamed, or rejected, onto me. In the moment I take on the role of her emotions. I’m being rejected, unknowingly, so as to avoid rejection from others.
Digging into my pain… I used to do that. You know why? Because I believed doing that would make my feelings go away. Why did I want my feelings to be gone? To avoid that exact message, that my feelings weren’t welcome.
I don’t go looking for painful feelings no more. I welcome them when they announce their presence. I’m not to blame for the number of painful feelings I carry inside, nor am I to blame for finding aspects of reality hurtful. Pain is unavoidable, there’s no way around that. We can lessen the things that cause pain, yes, but gone… No.
If you have an attitude that I should not react to things I find painful, if me reacting makes YOU feel pain, you are welcome to minimize your interaction with me. Either that, or change your perspective on, and your relationship to, pain.
I want to break free from my most persistent childhood teachings, I’m teaching myself that my feelings are in fact welcome. The pain I’m not willing to take is the pain that comes from resisting how I feel, and I won’t heal when I’m around people who reinforce that my feelings aren’t welcome.
That little girl, I will never tell her she’s too much. I will never tell her she’s not welcome when she has feelings.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 