Gunhild Archer, counselor

What you’re about to read is the crux of how I show up for myself, and also what I help clients with, in sessions. The post is an example of how I explore and guide myself through internal conflict. I let myself write what I observe, and when I feel like the time is right, I focus on, and open up to, the feeling that’s present. As I do that, new information presents itself, allowing the process to unfold. My intention for the process is to find a place of relief and clarity, and to feel into a new set of beliefs.

I had a puzzling couple of morning pages today. Three pages filled with a conflicting internal dynamic. There were different parts present.

One part didn’t want to show up to a meeting because the man I was supposed to meet hadn’t planned out the details. I had asked for a specific time a day in advance, and he hadn’t texted back. His lack of response made me feel on edge, and I started to feel resistant to follow through with meeting him.

There was also a part who blamed me for the situation. I was the one who hadn’t been clear. I hadn’t told him I needed to agree on the details a day in advance. The part kept asking, in a “you should have known”-kind of tone: “How can he be considerate when you didn’t tell him your needs? He can’t!”.

It feels like I’m being blamed for not taking responsibility. The blaming part doesn’t see it as blame though: “It’s not blame”, she says. “You didn’t do your part. This is something you simply have to own up to. People can’t read your mind, and it’s exhausting if we should assume what your preferences are.” (Interesting how it all of a sudden went from singular to plural.)

To which my instinctual response is: “I know, I agree”. So why do I feel so resistant towards informing him, or anyone else for that matter? When I let myself feel into the resistance, what comes up is tears. Hurt. It feels like I have to do things in a way that goes against the flow of my being. What I want is for them to participate. I want them to naturally care for what I need. I want them to come towards me, to take me into account on their own accord – to ask me with what I want and need.

There’s a standstill inside. One part speaks loud and clear when she says: “But I asked what time he wanted to meet. It’s on him to reply in a reasonable time”, and the one blaming keeps repeating that I wasn’t clear enough when I asked about the time. As long as I didn’t tell him the specifics of when I wanted to hear back, I’m at fault.

These three parts, the one who blames, the one who thinks I was clear, and the one who doesn’t want to be clearer, they can go back and forth forever, leaving me trapped in an exhausting inner merry-go-round.

I turn towards the blaming part and ask her what she needs. She says she doesn’t want to be wrong. She wants to do things right to avoid being told it’s her fault (interesting, isn’t it? She makes the other part wrong to avoid someone on the outside making her wrong). My mom used to do that, make me wrong. If something didn’t turn out the way I wanted, which of course made me feel bad, she would point out things I didn’t do that I should have done, or things I did that I shouldn’t have done, which translated to me as: it’s my fault. I didn’t get the reaction I so badly needed which was to be told “it’s ok to be hurt when things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong”.

Another aspect that comes up as I’m getting deeper into the dynamic is my own meaning making. I feel like people don’t care when they leave me hanging. As with most my feelings, there is also opposition to this one. The opposition is screaming “it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care! You’re making his lack of action mean something that isn’t true!”. She doesn’t want to believe the person in front of her doesn’t care just because they aren’t meeting my needs. Her explanation as to why they aren’t doing what would make me feel cared for, is that they aren’t seeing me (hence they CAN’T meet my needs). If they could just see me, they would take me into consideration, and I wouldn’t be in pain. In short: I feel uncared for, of course the person in front of me cares, I can solve the situation by making them see me.

I again take a step back in order to be present. What is really going on here?

The feeling I get as I sit with both can best be described as futile hope. I feel like a child sitting in front of my mom, waiting for her to attune. My experience tells me that the waiting won’t bear fruits, making the situation unbearable. The only way to get what I need (her attention) is to claim it. She would give from a place of should, not a place of “I genuinely want to”, which caused me to feel humiliation. I could not communicate that her present didn’t feel good, that would lead to denial/gaslighting, potentially also name-calling me. In other words:

I could not expect someone to be attuned to my needs.

I could not communicate my needs and expect them to be considered.

A clusterfuck.

I had to ask for love and attention and be ok with it tasting yucky.

I feel like I should round up by sharing what I learned, but I can’t, not fully at least. The new information needs time to settle in. I can sense a decrease in resistance towards vocalizing my needs and expectations, and a newfound openness to the thought: “There are people who will be attuned. They will take me into consideration in a way that feels good”… I also feel like it’s valid to expect attunement – I can choose that as a personal value. Those are positive changes.