I was just thinking about how working out is one of my non-negotiables. Just as my morning pages and my winding down-journaling. And my way of being in, or navigating, relationships.
My life since as long as I can remember has given me comments like:
“you’re rigid”,
“why can’t you just be impulsive like your sister”
and
“why do you ALWAYS… HAVE TO… have things your way?”.
As a result… Well… I felt like I was too rigid (as if rigid wasn’t enough, I was too rigid). I couldn’t turn on a dime. The judgement… “What am I – 80 years old? Give me my 10 o’clock coffee already.” I’m the boring one. The one who needs to plan ahead to make sure she gets things her way.
It’s been a long road to move out of that perspective. It’s been a long process to come to a place of understanding, but when I did, I started to value the way I function. My past isn’t gone, but I no longer adhere, or succumb, to it.
At this point I understand that people are different. Although we function according to the same script in so many ways, the differences are noticeable and that’s ok.
Yes, I know how I like things.
I have a rhythm. And yes… I follow my rhythm. When I do, I feel good. When I deviate, I feel bad. Being aware of, and committed to, my well-being (that’s what the rhythm ultimately is about), that’s what life is all about. It ensures that my life has quality.
In my family, my correctness is seen as a threat. I have a theory about why… I think they never experienced a group of people cooperating to find a solution everyone could be happy with. My commitment to myself immediately puts them in a position of loss. It gets to be their way or my way. They feel forced to adjust, no one likes to give up on what they want so now they are unhappy. The easy way out is to lay their dissatisfaction onto me and label me as the problem.
Implied in what I just shared is not just the lack of experience with the “win-win”, but also the point of pain brought forth by my stance… When I refuse to give up “my way”, and there is no way to cooperate towards a win-win, they get in touch with the pain of not getting things their way. It brings up their experiences and beliefs about why they can’t be correct themselves. They are faced with the past negative consequences of them being correct. To have that present in your system is painful, whether you are aware of the pain, or not. It would also be painful to question their past, but at least that pain would have an end.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 