I wanted to go on my story today and talk about how puzzled I am by people’s lack of self-awareness, how they can’t possibly be living fulfilling lives when they are constantly bulldozing parts of themselves, and how incredibly important it is to increase one’s level of self-awareness.
I was about to open Instagram when I became aware of the pressure, the frustration, and the agitation I felt in my body. I decided to slow down and turn my focus inwards.
Resistance was obvious. Tuning into it, I got in touch with anger. I felt angry at people for not seeing my reality. I felt like the world was filled with people and no one saw. Not even when I was standing right in front of them, talking to them, they still didn’t see.
Just like they didn’t see themselves.
I have stood in front of someone and a part of them would continuously stab me without their knowing. If asked, they would deny what they were doing, they wouldn’t even consider the possibility that my perception was in fact correct, and that they were encountering a blind spot.
There was something else too. The resistance didn’t come from the anger. The anger felt pure and when I felt into it, it flowed freely. Something was opposing the anger and as a result creating the resistance. Looking around inside I found an expectation. That was the source of the tension: my need to be seen was in opposition to my expectation. The conversation between them went like this:
My expectation (which in reality is an adaptation (aka a “should” that’s meant to keep me from rejection)): You should accept that not everyone is self-aware to the degree that make YOU feel safe.
My need to be seen: I don’t want to interact with people who aren’t self-aware, I don’t feel safe or connected.
Adaptation: If you get it your way, you will spend your life alone. You and your unreasonable demands. You expect people to treat you exactly the way YOU want. You have no willingness to accept THEM as THEY are.
My need to be seen: But I want them (specific people) to be able to see me, I don’t want to accept that they won’t.
The adaptation: But they can’t. You know that. You shouldn’t be upset that you’re not seen by people you know can’t.
As I sit with the two parts, it starts to sink in…
The need to be seen is real. The pain of not being able to truly connect (to see and be seen) is real. Seeing her in that pain without trying to make her feel better, simply allowing her to feel and express… Telling her “I get it”. It IS frustrating and painful, existing in a world where most people don’t know how to attune.
The adaptation is also real… She is adamant at quashing my desire to be seen. Her fear of my need’s justified anger when I’m not seen, it’s real. The following futility when my anger is met with denial, minimization, and rejection, because they don’t know their inability to see… That’s real too, and for that reason is she trying to shut down the potential of confrontation.
As I feel my heart open to both these parts, I’m faced with a vulnerable truth: If I express my need to be seen, to be heartfelt and raw, forces me to acknowledge that, most of the time, I’m alone.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 