Gunhild Archer, counselor

I want to share a snippet of my current process. Hopefully it gives you some value, whether it shows you how it can look like to process one’s own emotions, or maybe it helps shift a painful perspective.

I have to go years back to give you pretext… It was 2016, and I was introduced, for the first time, to the idea of emotions being both valid and a source of information and personal truths. The theory resonated, and I quickly decided to commit to my emotions. I made a vow to listen unconditionally to the best of my ability (it was more challenging that I thought it would be).

I committed to spending 30 minutes of daily “sitting in silence while observing my internal experience”. Feelings, thoughts, sensations, imagery – whatever presented itself.

At first, I was completely numb, which made me really angry. Not that I was able to feel that anger in my body, which (you guessed it) made me even angrier. After a while I started to notice different emotions and sensations. From that point on, I began to gain information about myself (the level of numbness was valuable information too, but I didn’t recognize that until later).

At the same time as being introduced to the idea of emotions being valid, I was also introduced to a theory which intention was to make sense of the said emotions. The theory said: emotions that aren’t processed and integrated (for whatever reason) locks up and remains within the body. The theory also suggested that:

(1) The body wants to be in health, and that one aspect of health is to NOT have energy locked up.

(2) As we go about our lives and encounter situations that resembles the situations when our feelings got locked-up… Our locked-up feelings will get activated.

(3) We add meaning to experiences, and we do so based on our current development stage.

(4) The meaning we add is built into us and acts as programming. It makes up the fundament of how we operate in our day-to-day life.

The theory says that by unlocking your emotions you gain access to, not just the meaning added to the initial experience (which, when you become aware of, get to question, and change), you also gain information about the situation that caused your emotions to lock up in the first place (which is part of your personal history and truth).

Back to my commitment on self-presence. After a few months I got in touch with feelings that made me question my reality, in a big way. During my process feelings of being touched sexually had surfaced. I felt pleasure arise, alongside terror, followed by heartbreak, ending up in confusion. I had several experiences where I felt utterly exposed, taken advantage of, I felt violated… Those experiences were followed by long periods of feeling like I was going insane, confusion, and denial.

It led me to question the validity of emotions. You know when go outside in the winter and feel like the cold is really harsh. It’s -20, not -5. How do you know? Because your emotions are telling you so. To confirm your perception you check the thermostat, and you’re right or wrong. In my situation, there is no thermostat to affirm if my feelings reflect reality or not.

Bringing you back to the present moment. It’s 2022. I have been through years of back and forth. My emotions have continued to give me pieces of information, which in turn has helped me make sense of a number of things. I have also continued to go through various forms of denial. I say “various forms” because, as I gave them presence, I learned that they were in fact opposing various aspects of my experience.

The denial I have encountered today is aimed at the theory I have told you about in this post. It denies the concept of emotions being valid and thus everything I have leaned on to make sense of myself since 2016 is challenged. Beliefs, patterns, emotions, and sensations I have been aware of since I was a teenager… Kicked to the curb by denial.

Before learning that emotions could be seen as a valid source of personal information, that effect originated from cause, I explained my beliefs, patterns, emotions, and sensations by telling the story: “I’m messed up, something is wrong with me”, and I strived to be different, “normal”, acceptable.

After learning that emotions could be seen as a valid source of personal information, that emotions arise in response to something, that I have a reason to feel the way I do, the story changed: “Nothing is wrong with me, and it never was. I am a byproduct of what happened”.

Aren’t that two entirely different stories to tell myself? Too bad the theory that gave access to the second, and, in my opinion, way more livable story, come with truths that have, what feels like huge, unlivable implications.