Backstory: I’m working with a social worker to clarify my work situation. Her goal is to help me establish a sustainable income while respecting my physical and mental health. In our first meeting she prefaced that her focus would be to find solutions that aligned with me. I couldn’t have been happier. If there is something I value highly, it is having things my way.
I have been working on landing a work project lately and had an important meeting scheduled on Friday. The meeting quickly became the main topic when I met with the social worker on Wednesday.
The meeting was supposed to be in person, but due to my current anxiety I had decided to ask for a video call. The social worker told me to hold back on the real reason why I wanted to change the meeting from face-to-face to video. “No need to show her your weakness,” she said. “Maybe just tell her you’re not feeling well.”
The second she said it I knew the suggestion was out of alignment. I knew the correct thing for me would be transparency. Instead of making that clear to the social worker, I played along and jokingly said “I can blame it on Covid”. Seemingly smart move according to the social worker: I would get my needs met (video call) while not putting myself in an unfavorable or weak position.
Unfortunately, she replied by telling me she wanted to postpone the meeting. “It’s better to meet in person,” she said.
Fuck.
I don’t think my anxiety will drastically improve anytime soon.
If I had told her I wanted to meet on video because I had anxiety, I imagine she would have said yes. Instead, I got caught by my own dishonesty.
Again… Fuck.
It pisses me off that I didn’t stick to my truth. It also pisses me off that the social worker broke her word. Almost a week later I still feel angry. I also recognize the value in the experience. (1) Now I know she does not support me the way I need to be supported – I no longer want to trust her. (2) I get to be more proactive when it comes to having my own back – I will remind myself to remain in my power before our coming meetings. (3) I’m reminded that it’s my job to stand in the discomfort when I express my choices, but even more so: I’m allowed to not feel ok when my best interest isn’t invited forth and/or supported.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 