I’ll start of by telling you why I want to share the following story, besides the usual reason which is: it helps me move forward in my own process. I’m sharing to show you what it looks like to “emotionally process” (I should say, what it CAN look like – not all processes look the same). I also want to show you that allowing yourself to express, with awareness, what you feel in the moment, open doors. Opening doors equals new information equals opportunities to make changes (changes that make you feel better). Last, but not least, I want to share something I’m learning more and more each day: Doing it despite feeling shame, heals shame.
I don’t know how you work, but for me, sharing how I feel is almost always challenging. Like in my previous post. The mere commitment to share my frustration brought up shame. It told me I shouldn’t feel the way I did, I should be better than to feel frustrated. It was also scared of revealing perspectives you would see as immature, or plain out wrong. I have, for as long as I can remember, expected myself to know better. I have been hesitant to express what I feel, unless of course carefully thought through on my own, to avoid revealing that I’m not always conscious, but instead carry beliefs, potentially a great deal of them, that show immaturity.
So, the frustration I told you about… I posted a video a few days ago, expressing my frustration towards someone who had written a Facebook post, complaining not being able to afford therapy. He blamed the therapists and their unreasonably high prices. It triggered familiar feelings and beliefs. I wanted to get to the bottom of it and see if I could liberate myself from the anger. I decided to hit “record” and talk my frustration through. Let’s just say it was not an easy task. I spent the first 3 minutes expressing my resistance to feeling frustrated.
Next, posted the video.
Then I had an impulse to write a post to ask people for feedback on my marketing post. No clue why, but I followed the impulse. Got a few comments that hit me right where it hurt. One said my post was hypocritical and boring. The other simply said: “blah blah blah”. When asked to elaborate, he told me my message was manipulative, and that I was taking advantage of people’s low self-esteem. A third told me they felt like I was trying to “fix” them.
My need to defend myself came up, strongly. It took me a few comments until I realized I was being defensive, and was able to roll it in. At that point I knew I was getting deeper into the heart of the matter.
Next day. Did my morning pages. From the moment the pen touched the paper, feelings connected to yesterday’s Facebook post were flowing out. 3 pages later I had become aware of a few key points. What I discovered is that I feel like I have to convince people of my value. Hence the negative reactions to my marketing posts. I traced the feeling back to my childhood when I wanted to advice my mom on how to resolve family matters. As a kid I needed her to take my advice to heart. Whether my advice was feasible or not, being taken seriously would have made a difference. It would have made me feel appreciated and valued. Let’s say she decided to act on my advice, and that doing so made the situation improve… It would have made me feel like I could impact my reality. It would make me feel a sense of control. The despair of needing to be recognized and valued, to be heard so I could make people feel better and thus for ME to feel safer… Those needs seep through when I offer my services.
With this new awareness I’m asking myself if there is a different way – a different experience. Can I align with people who want my guidance? Can I address those people the next time I offer my services?
Gunhild Archer, counselor 