It’s been a minute. I’ve been deep in my own process the last few months. It’s only now I’m starting to feel like I want to share what I’ve been navigating, and a big part of me is still not ready. There are still too many details to be worked out. The big picture though, that I want to put out there.
I’ve gotten some highly valuable feedback from one of my closest friends the last few months. It has been unpleasant, but it also brought on (I should say “is bringing on”) some pretty significant shifts.
Can you believe I have been wanting certain things so badly? For so many years… Yet, I wasn’t aware of how powerless I felt toward making them a reality? I have done so many things throughout the years, all in the name of creating the life I want. But as my friend pointed out: maybe you’re doing things in order to be able to tell the story “I’ve done everything right”… In other words, no one can blame me if it doesn’t work out.
It’s true. I’ve been, to a large degree, playing within the boundaries of futility mad powerlessness. In many ways it’s fascinating. I’ve felt like I’ve become more and more empowered over the years, and I have. AND… I’ve done so within a larger framework of non-power.
Another feedback my friend gave me had to do with my relationship to the future. Do I believe things can last, that was the question she brought to my attention. Although I tell myself I’m putting in a lot of effort to make it work, and that I do all the “right” things (you know, I do my shadow work, practice honest communication, take ownership etc.), the deeper answer is “no, not really”.
I expect people to leave and relationships to end. And I mean, it’s tricky because there’s truth to relationships being cyclical. People come and go, we might grow and become incompatible with time. What I’m learning is that, while that is true, it’s also possible that things don’t end, and I get to believe and hope for a lastingness. Becoming aware of that, in my feeling, has led to a few interesting realizations.
(1) I have more say in whether or not something lasts or ends.
(2) Some people want to put it an effort to make it last because they value me as I am.
(3) It feels vulnerable to believe that a relationship can last as it make it abundantly clear how I’m dependent upon the other person to care for the relationship ((4) it’s easier to believe the relationship will be cared for by the other if you already have experienced people doing so, and it’s equally hard to believe it WILL be cared for if non-caring has been your main, or only, experience)).
The ongoingness of the process fascinates me… I continue to become aware of, and acknowledge, how I’m not used to being wanted for who I am, just as I’m not used to people caring for the relationship itself. That being said, I haven’t either, which is a normal byproduct of not having it modelled to begin with.
Having finally experienced, with awareness, what it feels like to be wanted and the relationship being cared for, combined with seeing and feeling that a relationship CAN last… It affects how I want to show up. Not just in relationships, but life in general.
Coming out of another layer of futility and powerlessness and seeing that I have a bigger say in how my life can turn out, feels like warmth and excitement.
Aaand… (You thought you were done reading? No, there’s more.)
I was starting to settle into “it’s possible to have a future in relationships” when my friend brought up yet another impactful feedback. “Something seems to be missing from your healing process,” she said. “You seem stuck, and like you’re comfortable reducing things from your life”.
I’m currently in the process of feeling into, observing, and journaling on, what my friend said. To aid the process, my friend suggested that I asked myself the following questions:
(1) In what ways am I being rigid/in old patterns/ways of thinking?
(2) What would be a boundary violation and/or leave me feeling unsatisfied.
(3) Instead of the rigid and old, what can I choose that is new, feels expansive, and are aligned with my goals.
My friend is empowered on a different level than me. I think it takes being truly empowered to connect “new action” with “goals”. I’m still processing this, so please bear with me as I do my best to convey the nuances I feel are so important.
Being asked to choose something new based on goals, after having recognized the possibility to influence my circumstances, makes a huge difference. Before recognizing my power to influence the outcome, I could have pondered what “something new” would look like, and believe me, I would have come up with a set of action steps… But it would have lacked true empowerment and direction. I would have taken steps in order to tell the story “I’ve done what needs to be done”, but I wouldn’t have taken steps that
got
me
there.
It’s only now that I’m reaching the new level of empowerment, I can see the limitations of the past. Interestingly enough, the past “empowerment” fueled my futility. True action steps, those that will get you what you want, comes with real consequences. They are sobering. Not only do I have to face certain consequences, but I’m also being forced to let go of how I see myself. There’s something about stepping into this next level of empowerment that requires my behavior to change. I might have to become someone who doesn’t listen to advice (most advice does not have my best interest at heart), which will force me to face my internalized judgement of being “unworkable” and “rigid”.
Although the road forward feels unpleasant, I know liberation is at the horizon.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 