Gunhild Archer, counselor

I tend to have a hard time allowing my anger. Today is no different. There’s a part of me working to keep me safe from what she has learned will happen if I let my anger be seen. This part, she knows what I should do to avoid rejected.

I should understand.

I should accept.

I should not want something that can’t be given.

I shouldn’t make them feel like they aren’t good enough.

I should be easy going.

I shouldn’t have needs.

If I imagine doing the opposite, if I don’t understand or accept, if I want something that can’t be given, if I’m not easy going but instead have my needs… I won’t maintain connection. The only way to maintain connection is by accepting their limitations and discarding myself.

What I need to hear when I feel angry, and what I’m currently telling myself is:

“You are allowed to feel angry. It’s a feeling, feelings are ok. Do you want to talk about it? You are allowed to ask people to stop doing things that makes you feel angry. Is there something I can do to make you feel better? (Do you want me to talk to them?) How about, first, we let you feel angry, we can go through the questions later?”

My anger had a lot to say (if you are one of those who didn’t get to have your anger, I imagine you can appreciate the list).

I’m angry with the constant message of “don’t complain, do something about it”.

I’m angry that my anger is not recognized as a feeling I’m supposed to feel.

I’m angry that I’m not being heard by those who caused my anger.

I’m angry that I’m not taken seriously in my anger.

I’m angry that my anger doesn’t lead to change in the people around me.

I’m angry that I’m not invited deeper into my anger.

I’m angry at people who say they care yet aren’t showing up.

I’m angry at people for not keeping their word.

I’m angry at people for being meek and spineless.

I’m angry at people who know what needs to be done yet don’t rise to the challenge.

I’m angry at people for not seeing their patterns and beliefs.

I’m angry at people who are so deeply absorbed in their own programming that they can’t or won’t recognize some people (me) want them as they are.

Looking at the list, I see values. Strong values that, if honored, will help me choose more of the experiences I actually want.

As the leader of my own Self, where do I take us from here? I don’t believe in “processing the anger away” (not anymore). I believe I’m allowed to have reactions to not getting my needs met. I also know my parents didn’t model the whole truth. Someone out there want to meet my needs and they know how to do that (thanking myself for doing what needed to be done to get those experiences). I believe in minimizing angering situations.

It looks like the future will bring more discerning choices.