A few months ago, I did some work on my beliefs around success. Suspicions had arisen that I was seeing success through my mother’s eyes. In an attempt to gain clarity, I quickly fired away four questions at myself. They turned out to be quite fruitful. It has been a few months, and the topic is still churning in the background. I take it I there are still insights to be made.
Although the answers are insightful, they are not really the main point of this post. What I really want to emphasis is the process itself. Wanting to gain clarity, coming up with question to increase awareness, taking the time to truly connect when answering, choosing to share the answers…
Some people will see me as mean for having negative feelings about my family. This post is a good example. I’m aware that what I’m about to share puts my mom in a bad light. It can appear as if I’m out to get her. I understand if you read my posts and think I don’t love her. My relationship to my family, and my parents, is not straight forward – that’s true. What is also true is that I’m NOT sharing to hurt. It might be a consequence, but it is not my intention.
My posts show my process. You are witnessing my healing journey. I write to get in touch with, to feel, release, to learn what I need, to figure out what correct action to take. I let myself feel to, hopefully, take off the charge, to get me into an objective and understanding perspective, to change whatever painful beliefs I carry, and to instill healthy beliefs that serve me.
The feelings I share are there whether I share them or not.
Negative feelings do not exclude positive feelings.
Sometimes it is necessary to give room to negative feelings to create a stronger connection to positive feelings.
This is how I understand the beliefs you see in the slides: I made them as a child. Kids create beliefs all day every day in their attempt to understand and organize life. Maybe their parents help them make sense of it, maybe not. Maybe their parents help them make POSITIVE sense of it, maybe not.
I have the beliefs I have, that is a fact. I think I would have different beliefs if someone with an empowered outlook on life helped me make sense of my experiences as a kid. But I don’t. Am I saying my parents are bad? No. Do I wish for my younger self to have a different experience? Yes. Do I feel hurt, sadness, and anger as a response to not having that? Sometimes, yes. Do I understand that they did the best they could with what they had? Yes.
A part of healing is to be able to say: “A led to B”. A part of healing is to allow myself to have reactions to both A (that happened) and B (this is the result). It would make my healing easier if I was shown understanding and acceptance for having those feelings, just as it makes it harder when people make my reactions mean that I don’t love my family.
Becoming aware of my beliefs is an act of change. It is me taking responsibility for how I perceive, and interact with, myself, others, and life in general. Allowing myself to, not just feel, but to put my feelings into words, is healing too.
(If you want to have a look at the beliefs you can find them on my Facebook page. Search for Archer Insight.)
Gunhild Archer, counselor 