Gunhild Archer, counselor

A friend of mine recently told me she was going into hermit mode. We had a conversation about what our relationship would look like moving forward, and one of the things she needed was for me to not take her withdrawnness personal. I told her I wouldn’t, that I trusted her to tell me if something was not ok, and that IF I needed reassurance I would ask. We continued to stay in touch, but to a lesser degree than before. At some point I started to feel that something was not ok between us. When I asked, she admitted that she had felt hurt and upset with something I said. Although I understand how scary it is to let me know you feel upset with something I said, it is a breach of trust. She didn’t honor her word.

My initial reaction was to step into understanding, and to start a conversation about what was happening. When we got closer to our planned call, I realized I was not ok. The inner conflict became tangible.

I felt hurt.

I also expected myself to show up despite being hurt. There were numerous arguments as to why I had to push through. It felt fear driven. If I take my hurt into account, there will be negative consequences.

My commitment is to take my feelings into account, to see my feelings as guiding principles. What I want and need is determined by how I feel. How I go about meeting my needs is negotiable, but what my feelings want, and need, are not. Yet, the fear driven part operates from the assumption that acknowledging negative feelings will reveal a need to distance myself from those who hurt me, and that that need will never change. Basically, acknowledging negative feelings is a death sentence to my need for connection.

People I have listened to in the spiritual field often say: “show up WITH your fear. If you let your fear stop you, you will never get what you want”. Adjust that to my situation and the message is to show up WITH the hurt. What I’m not recognizing is that fear and hurt are different feelings. I’m also not recognizing how I DID show up with my fear. When she gave me her word, I was afraid to trust, but I picked up my fear and CHOSE to believe her word. My need was for her to keep her word and by doing so, prove her trustworthiness. She broke it, now different needs have presented themselves. If I think about going forward despite feeling hurt, my hurt turns into anger.

“If you decide to show up, if you force me to show up, I won’t be open. I will keep a polite conversation and pretend to be ok, but I’m not and I will create so much resentment down the line that you can’t be friends, I will make it impossible for you to show up.”

Until now I have felt like I stand between two needs. The first is “listen to your feelings” and the second is “long term friendships”.

With those beliefs stacked against each other, I can’t win. If I listen to my hurt, I believe I will be forever hurt which means I listened to my feelings, but fucked up my long term friendships. If I push through, I remain loyal to my commitment of having long term friendships, but I don’t listen to my feelings, and because I didn’t listen to my feelings, resentment will build and I will lose the friendship down the line.

To help myself open up my awareness with the intention of figuring out how to move forward I will reach out to my go-to polarity: CEO and all-your-feelings-are-valid Mom.

How would a CEO handle the situation? Those guys are levelheaded, they know their standards, and have clear expectations when it comes to how they want to be treated. They take feelings out of the equations.

The CEO was given a promise. The promise was broken. The CEO don’t play at that level. If amends is initiated by the person who broke the promise, if they have an actionable plan on how to move forward, the CEO will give another chance. One. Prove to be trustworthy. Don’t make the same mistake twice. There is room for different mistakes, we grow together, but rise or leave.

How does that sit with me? It feels freeing. Less codependent. Terrifying.

The fear that pops up is trying to shoulder 100% of the responsibility. “Do you want me to hold people to that standard?! It’s inhumane. It doesn’t give people a chance. In real life feelings are a part of the equation, what you are proposing is to be intolerant towards your friend’s fear. You are expecting her to not be allowed to mess up. And you didn’t tell her you wanted her to keep her promise, so she couldn’t have known it was so important to you. If she knew she would have made a bigger effort.”

When I step in as the imagined mom, the first thing I see is a child who is desperately afraid of losing the other person – a child who feels terrified that the other person will lose patience and give the ultimatum: “get over it, or I will leave”. I sit down and invite the child to come closer, while feeling like I have all the time in the world. I tell her:

“You have a right to feel hurt. Someone you trusted broke her word. I know you are afraid of feeling the hurt. Your mom was impatient when you had feelings, she made you believe your feelings will never change, and that you have to bulldoze them. That’s not my experience. Also, I have created different rules. Your feelings are always welcome. Always. They help me know more about what you want. We can stay here, and you can feel hurt for as long as it takes, it doesn’t matter if it is forever. It’s ok. I will tell my friend I need time (time with you) before I’m ready to connect.”