One of my latest ponderings is the commitment to one’s own well-being. My well-being, but also the relationship others have to theirs. I’m pondering being self-oriented, choosing oneself first, having a strong commitment to include as much of oneself as possible.
About a year ago, I remember asking my brother if I could ask him something. He got upset and told “just ask!”. I felt like I had done something wrong and started to justify why I had asked him if I could ask. I explained how I knew some of my questions could be personal, and that I knew he was sometimes uncomfortable with that. I told him I was trying to be considerate. It was about him, not me.
Well…
The more truthful thing to say would have been: “I’m scared you will have a negative reaction to what I’m about to ask. I don’t feel safe. I’m afraid your reaction will hurt me. Asking if I can ask is my attempt to ensure that you respond with gentleness and consideration”.
I’m starting to become aware of how often I do this, make it about the other, when it’s really about me. For a number of reasons (shame and lack of awareness being the main two), I don’t take ownership of what I want and need. What I want though, is to find that sense of ownership. Which, I admit, is a rather gnarly process, but the results are highly feel-good (aka: worth it). I get to make it about myself, to hold my shame, instead of putting it onto my brother.
My brother’s role is a part of the equation, it counts too. For me to trust him, he needs to have positive ownership of his own feelings (or you can say himself. Although we are more than what we feel, we are at the same time what we feel). If he doesn’t have positive ownership, he is likely to react with defensiveness or deflection.
I know I have been in my brother’s shoes on numerous occasions. Either someone asked a question that provoked me, or they shared my negative impacted on them.
I want to be able to receive people’s experience of me, I see it as an important part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s hard though, to receive when someone isn’t ok with what I did. It instantly activates my shame (and underlying fear). I want to deflect, minimize, or justify. Everything besides what the person actually needs me to do, to listen and acknowledge.
In a way it’s simple… In those moments it’s about their feelings, and the subsequent needs that arise from those feelings. Of course, my reactions are not to be ignored. The remnants from my past that I deem unacceptable and unlovable, they deserve to be seen and acknowledged too. Not pushed away but brought closer.
I feel like there is so much solidness and freedom, in taking ownership of both sides of the equation. I think there is such power to be in a relationship where both parties practice ownership.
Personally, I want to become even more clear on what I need, I want to level up my game of asking directly, and I want to become even better at pulling my reactions closer so I can receive others fully.
Do you know what it feels like to stop pushing yourself away, and instead bring you closer?
What does it feel like to talk to someone who is committed to accepting themselves?
What would it feel like if people around you took responsibility for what they wanted and needed?
Gunhild Archer, counselor 