I have spent the afternoon thinking about how I want to approach today’s post. The one thing I know is that the unsavory feelings are in focus. I also know the task is empowerment. So… I will talk out loud about today’s feeling, to see if I can get to a place of clarity. You are invited to follow along if you want to, or not, that’s ok too.
What I’m currently in touch with is a mix of anger, looking down at, and judgement. I feel like pushing people away. I want to point out incoherency. I want people to be responsible for being in alignment. I want people to own what they want and don’t want.
Sitting with that brings up the pain underneath.
A bunch of different needs are coming to the surface, followed by the belief that I can’t have it (along with a number of arguments why I can’t). I need people to be ok with me not being ok. I need people to take care of themselves, so that they can take care of me. I need people to take care of themselves, so I don’t have to take care of them.
I want people to be fully resourced. I want to receive being cared for.
Now that I know where I’m at emotionally, it’s time to add the empowerment. After all, the Calendar is about turning unsavory feelings into lemonade.
In the past I would have focused on “healing my feelings away”. THAT was my sense of empowerment. I spent the main part of the last 6 years trying to feel my feelings away (trying to at least). I feel compassion towards my past self. She was driven by self-hate. She was operating with a filter of learned powerlessness. For so long I operated from the idea that “finding emotional relief means I won’t feel emotionally charged. If I don’t feel emotionally charged, I feel ok. When I feel ok, I don’t need anything”.
I literally thought I could make myself NOT want nothing, from no one. Stemming from the belief that no one would genuinely want to meet my needs.
What I want is to add a feeling of empowerment to all of this. I’m pretty sure there will be resistance when I do that, so the task is to invite empowerment into to the resistance as well.
My favorite question when trying to figure out what I want: “If I could have it all my way…”. If I could have it all my way, I don’t want to give, not currently. I don’t want to hold space. (Correction: I don’t want to hold space as a fluffy, warm, unconditionally loving, parent-person. I can hold space if your adult consciousness is present and responsible.) I don’t want to ask questions unless I feel genuinely interested (which is not happening often lately).
What I want instead, if I can have it all my way: I want to spend time in my own company, to focus on cementing this new foundation in myself and let it seep into every aspect of my life (especially my business), I want to give to myself, and to pay someone to give (I want no strings attached). It feels good to fill up my own cup.
Checking for to see if there are any objections… A slight concern that I’m selfish. Some worry that people don’t want to be around when I am self-absorbed. There is also a concern that people will get tired of giving me attention if I don’t give back.
Normally I would try to convince myself that it’s ok to be selfish, that I don’t have to worry if people don’t want to be around (I don’t want to be around people anyway), and that it’s not likely that my closest friends will leave if they don’t get attention for a period time. That’s old me. New me thinks that is not very validating, nor does it feel like inviting in empowerment. So, new me is telling myself:
I think it’s totally ok to take care of yourself when you need to be cared for. It’s also ok to worry about negative consequences. It might be true that some people don’t want to be around when you are self-absorbed. If that happens, you can decide how you want to handle it. Maybe you want to reconnect with them when you are done feeling self-absorbed (maybe not). It’s also a possibility that people can’t or won’t give you attention when you can’t or won’t give THEM attention. You are allowed to have worries around that. What we can do is communicate. I will tell them that we need to receive and are currently out of capacity to give. That way people know what they are getting into and can make an informed choice.
That feels validating and empowering.
Mission completed. High five. And a prize (if you know you know).
Gunhild Archer, counselor 