I had a realization today about how my choices strengthen the level of futility and powerlessness I, for a long time, have experience as an integral part of my reality. Of course, I’m not stupid. I have known for years that I’m not the first to thrown in the towel when incompatibility knocks on the door. Incompatibility you say? “Good challenge,” I answer. “I will be the first to make him experience true intimacy.” My conviction has been: “How can I be sure we’re incompatible unless I have made an effort” (of course you can never satiate the amount of proof I need). I have entered into incompatible relationships and stayed for years, that’s how bad it was.
I knew that was my pattern, yet I didn’t. Not with my feelings, I didn’t.
As I was writing my morning pages, I was observing the usual “no’s” and “I don’t want that”. I observed myself write “no” to a number of different people, including many of my friends. (I can write a long and elaborate post to explain the process that unfolded, but my patience just dropped to zero, so I will drive the point home.)
I saw a review of my past self and my past lovers. I saw the incompatibility between them and me. I also saw how past me refused to acknowledge the incompatibility (while simultaneously having the attitude of “I can make it work”). Long story short, past me kept trying to turn the relationship into the kind of relationship I knew I wanted. I tried and tried, for years.
For the first time I FELT how I have been responsible for adding to the feeling of futility.
I think I had to reach a certain level of personal empowerment in order to see that (and I only reached that level of empowerment within the last six months). Six months ago, I didn’t have a conscious feeling-experience of what it is like to make a decision that support my dreams and to see that the decision brought me closer to my dream.
I have no idea if this makes sense, and I really want it to make sense, but spending a second longer on explaining myself will make me feel madly. Patience goes from “decent” to “-0” in a second lately. What is important is that I felt the importance of putting my energy and commitment into something that has the potential of matching my dreams. I CAN create what I want (some parts are not onboard, putting that up for the sake of transparency).
Gunhild Archer, counselor 