I recently posted a video addressing my personal reflections on something that surfaced in a session with a client. The topic has been on my mind for a long time, and I have spoken about it in several posts throughout the last year. The session was the perfect example to exemplify my observations. Nothing like a good example, that was what ran through my mind before getting my camera and hit “record”. Next thing I know, I get feedback on the video, voicing discomfort of how much I revealed from the session. Not surprisingly, it made me question my professionality. When do I breach confidentiality? Is it ok to share examples from sessions? What if it’s not a breach of confidentiality, the client might still feel a loss of trust. Should I never mention anything from my work with clients, or can I share certain things (where is the line)? What about HOW I share, does that impact what, and how much, I can share?
I’m in the role of a counselor, one that do sessions, groups, and courses, but I also share what I see when interacting with people (along with my own reflections and reactions). I show my own process, maybe I’m also partly educating. I have also been (still am) in the client role. When I read the feedback, it touched me both as a client, and as a counselor.
As the client, I need to feel safe. I need to know that what I share is between me and my therapist. I also need to feel acceptance and/or approval from my therapist. If I learned that my therapist had negative feelings towards any aspect of me, I would feel betrayed. If I knew they had negative feelings about me, their support and help would feel like a lie.
As the counselor… I first wrote “I want my clients to feel safe. I don’t want them to fear exposure”, but the honest, unsavory truth… I don’t want to NOT have clients. And I want my clients to enjoy working with me. I also want the freedom to share what happens in sessions/groups/courses. I want to share stories, I want to share examples of how I navigate, I want to process out loud what comes up in ME… I want to explain the dynamics and patterns I see. I don’t want to do that while having to be emotionally detached or neutral. That being said, I don’t want to shame or humiliate. That doesn’t mean “no negative feelings”, it means: “IF I have negative feelings, voice that I am vocalizing with the intention to process”. (The intention behind many of my videos are just that; to become aware of my own judgment so that I can own it.)
I keep asking myself if I had judgment in my latest video. I didn’t feel judgement regarding what came up in the session, but I do harbor judgment from seeing his social media content. I don’t know if the judgment came through in my video, but it might have, and it feels better to be open to the possibility and own that, rather than to deny it. Ideally, I would promise it won’t happen again. I would promise to be more vigilant in the future. But I can’t make that promise. What I can promise is to consider feedback and own what is mine to own. Like I’m doing right now.
I also keep asking myself if, and how, codependency might be playing into why I feel conflicted. My first thought when reading the feedback was: “I have done something wrong” followed by “I have to correct what I have done”. It didn’t cross my mind that I was in a position to gain clarity, and to change how I deal with confidentiality in my business. The least I can do is to get clear on my values, and if it feels correct, I implement changes accordingly.
What feels true is that I cannot NOT have negative feelings and reactions in response to clients. The question is whether I am open about it or not. What makes sense to me is to be open. Hiding reality feels more comfortable in the short run but feels like a disservice long term. It seems sensible to (1) make it normal to have negative feelings towards each other, and (2) practice feeling the discomfort of being different, and unique individuals, who don’t always agree. And (3) learn to find the best possible solutions to conflicting needs. Hiding negative feelings to avoid confrontation is a disservice.
That being said, having negative feelings and reactions that can be looked at, aired, and given relief, is different from harboring continuous, negative feelings towards a client. I don’t want to be in a “continuous negative feelings”-relationship with a client. I have been. Not anymore. Some clients are not for me. They poke into my deepest wounds. They are better served by someone else. If a client I work with recognizes themselves in one of my videos and are affected by what I share, it is an opportunity to bring it to the table and talk it through. That kind of conversation has the potential of creating huge change.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 