Gunhild Archer, counselor

Today’s post is about the backlash I got from posting the Calendar yesterday. I had a feeling shit might hit the fan and… I was right. There was a voice inside that was mad for posting a video of random talk, absolutely no value whatsoever. The anger quickly expanded to the point I was balancing on the edge of overwhelm.

I felt angry that I have to take initiative.

I feel angry that I have to focus on giving value.

I felt angry with the fact that success is dependent upon the amount, and quality, of value I provide.

I felt angry that the value I’m supposed to deliver is swimming in an ocean full of already existing value.

I felt angry at myself for wanting people to be different.

I feel angry that I miss my family and I can’t just meet my need by visiting them.

I feel angry that I have to talk to the people I’m talking to on the dating apps.

I feel angry that I’m responsible for meeting people’s needs.

Lots of anger, at a lot of things. I decided to listen to see what I could hear. I tend to do that when I want to ensure I take in what I’m feeling. I started to write down what I heard, sentence by sentence… “Ok, so… I feel like I have to take initiative. Noted. I feel like I have to give value or else I won’t succeed… That’s tough.” As I kept writing, the anger flared up even stronger. It took me a minute to realize I was coming at my anger with the attitude of “Let me figure out why I feel angry so I can validate my anger NOT feel angry”.

That realization finally made me see my anger. (This is where the real gold is, the recognition of how I’m relating to myself, with an attitude of “I want you to change”.) I saw a girl, about 7 years old. I also saw a teenager, maybe 14 or 15. She was looking at me with a hurt look on her face, tears in her eyes. The question: “Why are you not ok with what I feel? Why are you trying to change me?” was written all over her face.

The reality is that she is in pain. There are certain things she wants, and she feels like she can’t have them in a way that feels good. NOW I could understand. That IS painful. Instead of offering solutions, I asked her what she would like. I told her “I know it’s painful. We can be with the pain for as long as you want. You can also choose to do something if you want to. Not because I need you to feel better, but because I want you to feel relief”.

It quickly became clear what she wanted. She wanted to scream. At me. She made it crystal clear that she did NOT want me to make her feel better. It was a beautiful and touching moment. It felt like bearing witness to her life force energy. What I saw was someone who is strong and clear in what she wants, someone who is demanding to be acknowledged as she is, where she is.

Despite the feeling of relief, I couldn’t shake the need to solve to the situations that were bothering me. To see if I could gain more clarity of how to proceed, I asked myself what the underlying fear was.

I’m afraid I won’t have friends if I don’t take the initiative.

I’m afraid I have to do things I don’t want in order to succeed.

I’m afraid I have to sacrifice myself.

I’m afraid that no matter what I do, I won’t get what I want, and I will be in pain forever.

I’m afraid that, if I don’t sacrifice myself, the lack of success will be my fault.

I’m afraid that, if I don’t force myself to do things I don’t want, I won’t experience the things I dream of.

I’m afraid I won’t have clients if I’m not able to meet people’s needs.

Finally, I felt ready for empowerment. I invited in the CEO and the mom. The CEO told me not to sacrifice myself. “What’s most important is that you are aligned in your values. You want what you want, and you shall have it that way.” His question was: “Is there any way you can get what you want in a way that feels good?”. If there was, I could choose to go for it if I wanted to. The mom told me it’s ok to be scared. “I don’t know all the ways your situation might solve itself, but I believe there are ways you have yet to see. It’s ok to not want to do things you don’t want to do. When you stay true to yourself you show integrity. I want for you to have integrity. People who value you will come towards you, and I believe you will succeed in whatever your heart wants. You are so persistent. The feeling you get when you stay true to yourself, that’s part of what success is in my eyes.”