Sometimes my morning pages are uneventful. Other days they are a release. On some occasions they are a therapy session. Yet other days, like today, they stir up stuff and mud the waters, eventually leading to sweet moments of insights.
Per usual, it was me and my 3 pages… I tuned into myself with the intention of getting in touch with my emotions and to let the emotions express. Interestingly, a voice stepped in before I got to feel anything.
The voice told me “I don’t want to go deep”. I felt like horse blinders were put on. Normally I would push through that reaction, but for some reason I caught myself. What was in front of me was equally as valid as whatever else might be there, and so gave myself space to express from that part’s perspective.
What happened next surprised me. The part asked me why we should focus inwards. “There’s nothing wrong with us,” she said. “You don’t have to fix your feelings. Let them be.” The image of my empowerment friend came to mind. Wouldn’t she be frustrated if I didn’t actively work on bettering my situation? She probably would. No one likes a compliant no-getter, someone-who-chooses-to-live-their-lives-in-misery.
A new perspective seeped in:
“Actively bettering my situation happens by acknowledging how I feel and based on that, I choose something better. Changing my beliefs, my attraction point, my reality; it doesn’t mean that what I currently feel is wrong. Neither does it mean that whatever I’m thinking or believing, is wrong. Although the beliefs no longer serve me, they are outdated and they cause pain, it doesn’t mean that they are “wrong”, and that I’m finally shifting into a belief which is “right”.
There is no “right” or “wrong”. I mean, I believe there is, I always did… The belief has been a backdrop for everything I have ever done regarding self-awareness, growth, and healing.
The past happened. It’s real. I am who I am today, I believe what I believe, because of my past. It will always be a part of me. I can ALSO create something new. I can desire different beliefs. I have agency to give myself the necessary experiences to back up those new beliefs. I can create a new reality.”
What a pleasant change in perspective. Also, I’m impressed by myself. I managed to catch myself in the moment when the “I don’t want to focus on your feelings”-part showed up. Instead of bulldozing it (and thus myself), I recognized it and turned my focus towards her. Second, the insights that came in feels important. I’m familiar with my black and white thinking, I have had multiple shifts in the previous years, yet this one feel different. It feels like it permeates my entire being. A veil has been lifted. I wonder how it will affect the flavor of my life moving forward.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 