I feel like I have been doing you a disservice. For all the years I have been here, I never spoke directly to you. I had so much I wanted to share, so much value I wanted to give. Yet I didn’t.
From what I understand, at the core, it boils down to my internalized shame. I have been torn between two parts. One part wanted to show you how you should live your life. It’s an intense and judging part that doesn’t have much patience with people she considers weak. Yeah, I know. It’s not very humble. It’s true though. I do feel like I know some things about life that most people don’t get, and those things are really important if you want to live a life you will look back at and be happy you choose to live. The other part wants me to be humble. When she was young she was shamed when she confidently and proudly expressed her uniqueness. She learned that she shouldn’t believe she was special. Her mantras are: “Who am I to know more than you?” and “Who do I think I am to have such a clear idea of what you should do?”.
I haven’t yet come to terms with the fact that one of my strengths allows me to see people, often better than they see themselves. I’m very perceptive. Because I feel like I should be humble, I don’t let it be true that people aren’t in touch with themselves. Saying that has felt degrading, when in reality it’s a fact. Most people, for the most part, aren’t in touch with themselves. Most people aren’t even on an intentional journey to get in touch with themselves. I am though, which puts me in a position of at least some authority.
I want to own this though… It’s true that I want people to do certain things. Like, listen to their feelings. I want people to take how they feel into account. I want them to own what they want and to go for those things, preferably while respecting other people (unless they consciously chooses to be a dick, I’m all for that if that’s what feels right). I also know that I don’t know everything. Humbling as it is, I know there might be things I have no idea that exists. I believe we are here to listen to our feelings and to take them into account, but maybe that’s not the case for everyone. Maybe someone is on a completely different trip. Honestly, I don’t believe that, but I can’t NOT acknowledge that it’s a possibility.
What I’m finally able to open up to (it only took me, what, six years), is that you are here, and YOU want to get to know yourself. You are curious about why you feel the way you feel, the beliefs you have, your patterns etc. You want to live the richest and most satisfying life you possibly can. You are one of those people who feel awe and wonder about being able to get to know who you are, just as much as you feel awe and wonder about who you are.
I’m not sure where you are on your journey. Maybe you’re further along than me. If so, I can learn from you. Maybe you’re walking beside me. If that’s the case – hi. Welcome to the path least travelled. Or maybe you’re a few steps behind. If that’s the case, I got you. Let me correct that… No matter where you are, I’m here. Just because you are further along it doesn’t meant you don’t need my clear seeing or grounded support. So, if you ever want help seeing something, whether it’s something going on inside yourself, in one of your relationships, or in a situation that you can’t seem to make sense of, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m also here if you want to brainstorm solutions. I know it’s not easy to live life as yourself in a world that tries to make you be everything but you. I’m pretty confident I can help you find a way forward that feels correct to you, and to make you feel good about that direction as well.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 