Gunhild Archer, counselor

When I shared my last post, I thought it would continue to pour out of me. It felt like floodgates were about to open. Today it dawned on me that that hadn’t happen. I caught myself wondering why. Why was it that I hadn’t felt like writing?

The first thing that came to mind was a feeling of self-judgement and criticism. I could hear the voice who said “Who are you to know better, why do you think your perspective matters!?”. It comes as a response to the idea I have that what I share has to be deep and life changing. It has to be radical; my perspective has to be new, daring and provocative… Which is again a response to the underlying desire to be seen and recognized, and the desire to make more money.

Stand out –> be recognized –> make money.

I will be seen as unique if I shine light on “bold truth… THE truth”. As if there only one truth and not a million different perspectives. The thing is though, I see so many women in the coaching industry speak to their audience with the “I have the truth, I know what you need, I know how it works!”-energy, and they seem to be hyper successful.

I feel animosity toward those kinds of coaches. Weirdly enough, I think I also feel animosity towards myself. I notice a layer of self-hate filling my being as I’m talking to you. Normally I would tell myself to not feel that. I shouldn’t hate myself. It is off-putting. Unappealing. Which of course is self-hating in and of itself. And the self-hate continues: Hating myself means I still have stuff to heal. I should give it presence in order to shift. I can’t let myself be where I am. Be different – be better.

It feels like an act of vulnerability to let you in on the fact that I hate myself. I do though. I feel shame for who I am. There is also a feeling of strength along with a feeling of “stepping closer”. I will not disown, discard or reject the self-hate. That’s self-love. My self-hate will heal when it is met with understanding and acceptance from me and others. It will heal when it is told: “You’re ok to be here, I want you, I love you”.

I so often encounter my own internalized “should”. I know you know that, I have talked about it in my previous posts. This “should” though, it is different. I’m used to the shoulds from my family. These shoulds are from the spiritual community.

I shouldn’t hate myself; I should love myself.

I shouldn’t lack confidence; I should know my worth.

I shouldn’t come from lack; I should believe I’m abundant.

I shouldn’t think of myself as less than; I should know we have equal value.

I want to love myself. I want to know my worth. I want to believe I can be abundant. I want to feel equal. I want all that. Emotionally… I’m not there yet. I am, sometimes. More often in the last year(s), but in no way is it my new standard. I have too many experiences telling me otherwise. (I shouldn’t buy into that story though; I should know I can change what I believe in the blink of an eye.)

Maybe the challenge is to remind myself that there is room for both. I hate myself AND I love myself. I love myself, that’s why I can be honest about hating myself.

I will not abandon myself for the sake of avoiding someone’s potential negative reaction.

I want to own who I am, unapologetically. All of me. I want to own myself with such solidness that I feel unshakable. I want a level of ownership that makes me shrug my shoulders and think to myself “yeah, that’s true, that’s me” in the face of judgement. True confidence comes from accepting that I am all of me, which is a process that starts with the self-hate and the shame.

When I think about it, I don’t think I have to be an expert in my field. I don’t have to know it all, nor do I have to know with bold confidence.

I know some tools, yes.

Do I believe in them? Yes.

Do I know what’s correct for you? No.

I might have some ideas, but besides that; my role is to see and uncover. That us a stark contrast to the notion of “I have to know”. I mean, how can I? You a complex and nuances being with a unique set of experiences that made you who you are. You know… I had several sessions where I think I must have looked at the client with a very puzzled look. I was trying to understand them. Like, truly understand. In several instances, the client reacted with resistance and judgement. The fact that I was puzzled probably made them feel unsafe. I imagine it feels safer to have someone firm to lean on. That is not what I provide. It is not what I’m here for. I’m here to see you. I want to help you find your truth; I don’t already know what it is.

Yes, to a less bold-knowitall-confidence. Yes, to more humility. Yes, to a different and more grounded confidence.