I have gotten to the place where I mostly feel ok with not wanting a certain thing. When presented with something I don’t want, I can feel the response in my body saying “no, that’s not what I want” and it’s followed by “that’s ok, you don’t have to want it”. I mean, that’s pretty big, both the fact that I hear my “no” and that it’s followed by internal validation. That’s a system upgrade, hello internal dialogue 2.0 ft preference-acceptance. (It’s pretty cool.) It also comes with the ability to vocalize my decisions in a non-hostile way. Sometimes, that is.
What the upgrade doesn’t have is the absence of need-to-explain. Every decision I make, and voice, is followed by an instant urge to justify. Good on me that I’m able to stop myself. Instead of following through with the justification I’m able to sit with the discomfort of NOT explaining myself (sometimes, not always, I’m not Jesus resurrected).
I think it’s worth celebrating, my increasing ability to let the world know what I want and don’t want. Prize for me. All the fucking work I have done on myself, with myself, for myself, it’s paying fucking dividends. My relationship with myself is getting better every single day.
(Count this post as an invitation to work with me. I’m good at connecting you with yourself. I can model acceptance in a way few others can. So, if you are looking to improve your relationship with yourself, hmu. I’ve got prizes ready to be handed out.)
Gunhild Archer, counselor 