Let me take you back to my childhood (always back to childhood, you know me). My mom had a way of conveying her perspective that made me feel like what she was sharing was THE truth (yes, capital letters, I’m talking definitive “this is the way it is”-kind of truth). Not casting blame, I’m simply sharing my experience. I was rarely, if ever, oriented back to myself to connect to what my personal truth was. More often I was given solutions. If I felt dissatisfied or resistant, I was made the problem. Again, not casting blame, simply sharing my experience to make a point.
Now, let’s fast forward 20 years. I’m at university, writing my thesis. After failing (yes; flunking, lowest grade, the infamous F), I had a much-needed revelation. It’s weird to think that it took me until I was 27 or 28 to access this thought, and in some ways it’s puzzling to look back at my lack of awareness. Anyways, the revelation… I recognized that the theories I had used in my thesis were just that – THEORIES. They were NOT truths. (I’m telling you; it was a big “wait, what…”.) The people behind the theories were people, just like me – it could have been me who thought of the hierarchy of needs. I realized that they were simply individuals, conditioned by society, shaped by their upbringing (!)… Maybe aware of the fact that their beliefs were shaped by their surroundings, maybe not. Either way, they had come up with a theory and the theory was accepted by society as the current truth.
I don’t know how it is for the rest of you, maybe you tend to keep in mind that what you read, or what people tell you, is purely a perspective and not necessarily the full picture… Personally, I don’t. As you can see, I thought everyone’s perspective was THE truth (how did I navigate that when there are so many different perspectives and opinions out there? The short answer: I was struggling.)
Fast forward to today. Again, the same revelation. It keeps hitting me, over and over. Adults, world leaders, politicians, people on television, those with 2 million followers on Instagram, the woman who confidently speaks about relationship and dating hacks on her podcast, the experts who are referenced in news articles… They are adults, just like me. They don’t necessarily know more than me. They might, but also… They might not. It’s the weirdest realization.
My baseline reaction when hearing someone’s perspective is to take it as the truth and to tell myself “I should be that way too, I should feel that way, work that way, do what they do, like what they like”. But that’s not it. They are just people. They have a perspective. It might work for them, but does it work for me? I’m coming back to myself. What’s correct for ME? It doesn’t matter if all the textbooks, the experts, my friends, or my mom, tells me to do A when A doesn’t feel right to ME. I’ll do B if that’s what feels correct, or C – whatever I end up feeling is my truth.
I feel like the hallmark of a “real adult” is their openness, willingness to consider other perspectives, that they genuinely want to hear someone out with an intention to understand, and their ability to question their own perspectives. Are they interested in taking the other person’s best interest into account, in looking for a solution that works for everyone involved? Do they have it in them to take full ownership of their decisions and to face the consequences?
I want to leave you with a question… Do you feel like you accept your own truth? Do you make decisions based on what is correct for you?
Gunhild Archer, counselor 