Gunhild Archer, counselor

Fostering activation and disrupting deflation/fawn-response.

I want to talk about activation and deflation. My last therapist focused a lot on helping me disrupt my instinctual response of going into deflation, and instead foster a healthy sense of activation and empowerment. From what I understand, deflation is connected to people pleasing and fawning. When I go into deflation, it feels like a balloon being popped just to feel the slow release of air. Shrinking and becoming little. What my therapist wanted me to experience was the feeling of activation. Being activated feels like being held up by a certain amount of energy or tension.

I will share what brought up the topic of activation and deflation. I was reflecting on a situation that had occurred in one of my containers. The group was coming to an end, and we were talking about whether or not they wanted to stay in touch and if they did, how we could create a safe transition. One of the participants offered to take on the role of the new group leader. That quickly made some of the others pull back, which in turn led to a feeling of rejection in the person who had offered to lead, which again increased the group members feeling of unsafety. In an attempt to diffuse the situation and create safety, the members started to reassure the new leader by saying things like: “I’m not distrustful towards you, it’s past trauma”, “You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just my inner child freaking out”. It was an honest attempt to make the new leader NOT feel rejected. The second situation happened years ago. I was talking to a friend who expressed a concern that I might see him as meek. My instinctual reaction was to do exactly as the group had done and reassure my friend by telling him: “Of course I don’t see you as meek”. Again, a solid attempt to put out the fire.

Here are my thoughts about the situations… There is an instant reaction to defuse situations that makes us feel uncomfortable. The impulse is to reassure, to “make good”, to avoid stirring up negative emotions. Many of us have experienced disconnection when we voiced how we felt. Our caregivers were not able to regulate themselves and as a result ended up hurting us instead, either by lashing out, shaming us, or rejecting us. It makes sense to have a deep urge to avoid creating any type of reaction in people. No one wants to be rejected. So, we say we are fine. But by doing that, we deny the impact they have on us, which kills the relationship as well as our own life force. It feels harsh, but in my eyes, when we deny the impact people have on us, we are lying. We are lying to the other person, and also to ourselves.

Before I continue, I want you to consider the following… What if you label frustration, anger, rage, guilt, and anxiety as activation. What if you consider activation as positive – something you can benefit from.

Denying our feelings shuts down our truth. I often experience “unwanted” feelings and (sadly) my baseline surviving mechanism is to put out the fire. I subconsciously attempt to put out MY fire in an attempt to put out THEIR fire. As long as I don’t stir up the waters, I’m safe. I’m currently in the process of changing that. I have started to practice becoming aware of my feelings. When I feel the feeling in my body, I make an effort to be truthful about what I feel, and I do my best to remain activated. Activation is a fertile place; it creates a push towards change.

I find it sad, and a bit angering, that we are taught that to make someone feel an unwanted feeling means they will have an unfiltered and hurtful reaction. Yet, it’s the truth for every client I have ever worked with, my friends, and myself. Most people don’t know how to respond in an emotionally mature way. They will not make you feel like you and the relationship are safe. It makes sense why it is super scary to have feelings. Your body learned to expect negative reactions. I think it was incredibly smart of you to do your best to avoid making people feel bad. Keeping yourself safe is good. That being said… You’re no longer young and defenseless. You are an adult. You have the option to stand up for yourself. You have the option to stand by yourself. AND… For some people, feelings will not be the end of the relationship, quite the opposite, they will enhance and strengthen.

When I deflate and try to avoid having feelings in the attempt to not make other people react badly, I feel like I’m creating a black hole of infinite inward motion. I feel like I’m being sucked into a hole that drains my life force. I feel less substantial, almost like I’m turning into a mirage. Me, my existence, my truth diminishes.

If I did the opposite… If I let myself have feelings… If I were to also let other people have feelings… Instead of deflating into nothingness, my emotions can help me feel like I have a sense of internal solidity. I can acknowledge my feelings and become aware of the truth they carry; it will create a sense of firmness which I can act on. By letting people have feelings in response to my feelings doesn’t mean I should accept their uncontrolled and hurtful reactions. I can have a clear-stated expectation that they are responsible for avoiding unnecessary pain.

Letting people have reactions to me, my feelings, values, and perspectives is a chance to create more solidity. Albeit uncomfortable, it is a gift. Letting myself have reactions is an equal gift. Each reaction is an invitation to consciously change my relationship with them, I get to learn more about what I like and dislike, and I get to tell people how I want to be treated.

Do you see the contrast? If I deflate, I lose the opportunity to be more ME just as much as I lose the opportunity to create and build the relationships I want. It’s the absence of life. Creating space for feelings on the other hand is the crux of creation.