Gunhild Archer, counselor

This is not an advice post, nor do I have any great insights that might help you. If there is any value in this post, it is because it is relatable.

I don’t have everything figured out. (Sometimes I have very few things figured out.)

I have spent the day reflecting on my tendency to act like I’m ok. It usually goes like this: I don’t feel ok, I communicate what I feel because I know there is power in being seen and understood, I hope to find some sort of change moving forward… When the other person fails to be receptive and/or attuned, I brush my feelings aside while telling myself things like: “It [my feeling] is not that important, they love me (so I shouldn’t be upset with them), I shouldn’t expect them to treat me right (at least not all the time)”.

I know why I downplay my emotions. I know why I act like I’m ok. It happens when I’m in a relationship where I struggle to feel seen. Not being seen brings up feelings of fear and loneliness. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe my job is to bear the discomfort. Maybe it is to opt out of the situation. I honestly don’t know.

It feels like I have to choose either myself or them.

Which feels awfully a lot like black and white thinking… Here is where my internal “should” comes in.

I shouldn’t have black and white thinking.

Black and white thinking is trauma thinking.

I should be more mature than that.

I shouldn’t walk away just because someone can’t see me.

I should communicate what I want.

I should give them a chance.

I could go on for hours. My former therapist used to call it “trying to solve the unsolvable”. A great mechanism to keep me occupied and away from shattering heartbreak and despair. I don’t want to face the pain of (1) facing the truth of the situation [they can’t see me], and (2) the following heartbreak [I don’t want to be in the relationship].