Gunhild Archer, counselor

Every relationship has a framework. The framework defines the type of relationship.

What do you desire: have you communicated what kind of feelings you want to cultivate in the relationship, and what kind of communication makes you feel safe? How about what makes you feel loved? What does your soul yearn for, and does the relationship fulfill the yearning? 

What do you want from the other person: are you engaging in an ongoing conversation with your partner on how they can best support you, and make you feel cared for / wanted / turned on / safe / accepted / appreciated / cherished / fulfilled / empowered / sexy etc? Do they have qualities you like? How about your physical health and emotional well-being, do they contribute positively?

What are you willing to do: have you identified what you can and want to provide in the relationship? Maybe you naturally contribute with structure, care, or clarity and it feels good to do so? Other things might require energy output, but it’s still something you can provide without feeling resentful. Do you know where you need to draw the line; if you keep giving, you cross your own boundaries?

What are you NOT willing to do: most people (if not all) have an idea of what makes them an attractive partner and often unconsciously tries to act in accordance with what they think will make them desirable. What do you expect yourself to do that, when you do it, it makes you feel resentful and bitter? If you could stop doing those things and your partner was supportive and cheering you on, what would you stop doing?

Answer those questions and you have a decent foundational framework for what you want your relationship to look like. When you know what the framework looks like, you have an opportunity to make decisions that aligns with the framework. It’s that simple, yet it’s far from easy.

In a way it’s puzzling. I think most people would agree that being in a relationship equates to something like: “two people with individual desires and needs are coming together in a way that allows them to be themselves, experience connection, and get their needs met too”. Mentally, we know that, yet many don’t embody it. We define relationships as casual or committed yet skip the conversation that addresses what that looks like.

I don’t think a relationship can be casual. Not unless casual implies “I will do what suits me and I don’t want to consider the other”, but that’s not a relationship, that’s exploitation which can only happen on the premise of NOT being connected.

I don’t know anyone who enjoys being disconnected. I believe being disconnected causes us pain, and that most people won’t feel good exploiting someone. I also believe most people have an innate need to consider others, at least to an extent. Unless we are aware of how we show consideration, we will do so based on subconscious assumptions and personal experience, which might not be in alignment with what the other person needs.

I want to leave a question, and hope that if you want to share, you’ll leave a comment. What are the reasons why you don’t communicate your expectations in a clear and upfront way? My possible explanations are:

–> You don’t know what your expectations are.

–> You are afraid of the consequences of communicating your expectations.

–> It makes you vulnerable/you lose the upper hand if you are honest about what you expect.

Maybe the first question anyone should ask themselves is: Do you want your life to be satisfying and fulfilling? Do you want to enjoy your days, and the moments within each day? If your answer is “Yes”, my follow-up question is: are you willing to commit to doing your part? If you want to say yes, but the thought makes you filled with dread, there’s a different way to go about it. I promise. You don’t have to force yourself to do anything, forcing means it’s not the right path forward.

What I want for you is to master comfortably having open and ongoing dialogs about your relationship framework. I want you to communicate what you want, be honest about what you expect, and to express your boundaries with ease. The only way you and your partner can give a full body yes to each other (which is what would make for a satisfying relationship), is by knowing what they are saying yes to.