I’m going to let you in on a not-so-much-of-a-secret. I have a hard time trusting. I don’t easily trust others, and I also don’t have the most trusting relationship with myself. Besides that, I have come to realize I’m not the most trustworthy person to others.
I recently asked myself: “Can people rely on me to tell them what I need?”, and the answer is: “No, not really”.
Most people (obviously myself included) aren’t honest and upfront about their needs. I mean, most people aren’t sufficiently in touch with themselves to know what they need in the first place (not going to include myself in this one. I tend to be aware; I just don’t tell). I can say a lot about why we have disconnected from our own needs, but for the sake of not sidetracking myself I will try to keep it short.
Something inside us consider our needs to be a threat to connection. That part of us will work to keep us connected by turning a blind eye to our needs, make us oblivious to our needs (sometimes to the degree that we literally don’t feel like we have them), or it will threaten us with a number of negative consequences it believes we SURELY will experience IF we choose to share our needs.
It makes sense that people never communicate what they need. The common denominator I see (amongst people who don’t share what they need) is that they aren’t used to people who care about their well-being. They have an underlying assumption that, if they tell people what they need, their needs either won’t be considered, or they won’t be considered in a way that makes them feel good. They have years’ worth of proof that has solidified their lack of trust. If you are into self-help, you read this and think to yourself: “I can change this pattern. I can stop expecting a negative outcome and start expecting a positive outcome”. No. I’m not suggesting that you simply start expecting people to want to meet your needs. (Many people won’t.) Changing your mindset can’t be done within the blink of an eye. Undoing years’ worth of negative experiences doesn’t happen overnight.
What I would like is to hold up two different realities based on what I have observed. In one reality (the one you are used to), people didn’t create a safe space for you to share what you need. No one sat down, looked you in the eyes, and sincerely asked “what would make you feel good – what do you need”. Instead, they would make a unilateral decision based on THEIR needs, and any signs of dissatisfaction would earn you the label “burden”, “spoiled”, “disobedient”, “brat” etc.
The second reality is filled with people who wants to know what you need. They want you to feel good. In fact, they feel good when they get to take you into consideration. As a result, they have a habit of asking: “How do you feel?”, and: “What do you need?”. Every time you tell them what you need, it feels natural, and it’s received with a “of course I want to know”-type of openness. If you want fish for dinner, they will actively look for a place that has fish on the menu, and they won’t settle for a place that doesn’t.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 