If you grew up like me, in an environment where you were not heard, you might recognize yourself in what I’m about to share. Maybe you will find it validating, maybe helpful. If you didn’t (I hope you grew up surrounded by people who saw you, and listened to you), my post might help you understand the people in your life who grew up like me. I think we all know someone who just can’t seem to make the right choices for themselves, no matter how much they suffer, no matter how much we try to help, they keep repeating the same mistake.
I imagine going into a candy store on the weekend, knowing you have enough money to fill a small sized box with your favorite candy. You slowly walk along the aisle, letting your gaze wander from the bottom shelf where the sour candy is, to the different chocolates at the top shelf. Your mouth starts to water as you imagine putting the different pieces on your mouth, imagining what will satisfy your taste the most.
It’s not something I think about, but in that situation, I feel like I have a choice. My mindset is to choose what I want the most from the vast variety of options. I can back up even further and say that my desire was to eat something savory, I further chose candy, which lead me to the situation where I’m now choosing the most satisfying piece of candy. If I had desired sensual satisfaction, I could have chosen to swim naked in the sea, gone for a sensual oil massage, made love etc.
In my day-to-day life, I don’t think that way, I think differently. It might be hard to understand, but I rarely think I have choice. Without being aware, I tend to act from a place of powerlessness.
Imagine me as a four-year-old, I’m living with my parents and my younger sister. My two younger siblings aren’t born yet. All I want is for my mom and dad to look at me with eyes filled with love. I want to feel wanted. I want their approval, to hear them say they are lucky to have me as a daughter, and to be embraced by their welcoming arms. Instead, their eyes makes me feel like I have done something wrong. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make them look at me in an approving way. I quickly learned what made them turn a cold shoulder, or give me a look of disgust, dissatisfaction, or disdain. Until this day, I feel like a constant failure who can’t make them happy.
To understand the level of powerlessness I was in, you have to put yourself in my shoes as a 4-year-old. As a child, you don’t think about leaving. It’s simply not an option. You are confined to your parents; you belong to them; you are dependent on them – they are who you look to for safety. When you continue to look for ways to be safe and accepted and you keep falling short, you learn to do the best with what you have. The powerlessness WILL seep into your being. It will be everything you know.
I’m now 37. I still act as if I have no options. I literally DO NOT see options – they don’t exist. I’m slowly starting to recognize the pattern of powerless thinking, but when I enter a relationship, especially a romantic relationship, I quickly slip back in. Instead of asking myself “is this the experience I want the most; is he the right man for me?”, my focus is purely on meeting his needs and to make him look at me with approving eyes. I want to be worthy; I want to be good enough, just like when I was 4 and tried to make my parents love me.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 