I want to share one of my recent processes with the hopes that it helps to break down the barrier we so often keep between us. I also want you to have an example of what the therapeutic work looks like, and how you can navigate awareness.
The process started a few days ago as I became aware of a new and unfamiliar feeling. I dedicated my morning pages to exploring it for several days, which helped me create some space around the feeling. I was then offered the chance to look at it with a friend, which led to a good 60 minutes of going deeper into what was present. When I woke up the following morning, I had more clarity, but the need to receive my own presence had also intensified. I decided to write, which brings me to the current moment.
Every process consists of feeling into what’s present, asking questions, keeping an eye on where I’m coming from as I’m leading the process, and paying attention to the system as a whole.
I started by feeling into what was present. Because of the prior exploration I was seeing it as a part, which led me to let it speak. I was imagining the part standing in front of me. “I’m angry,” she said. “You don’t listen. You are talking to people that don’t see us. You are being too patient, you keep hoping that one day they will change, or that you will be able to make them see you, but they won’t”.
From her perspective, it was clear that I was playing a losing game.
As I was sitting with her perspective, taking in what I was being shown (it usually takes some time to let new awareness sink in. Many people think they are seeing themselves, but there are two ways of seeing. It’s different to think you see and to actually SEE), a feeling emerged from the background. I started to feel pressure to change the perspective I was being shown. Thoughts like “You shouldn’t be angry, they don’t know how to see you, you probably didn’t explain in a way that made it easy to understand” ran through my mind, followed by thoughts about what I SHOULD do: “You should accept them as they are, you should be patient, you should give them a chance to understand” etc. The thoughts were coming from one of my fixer parts, her job is to change my feelings into a response that makes people feel accepted and like they are wanted as they are. If I make them feel like they have done something wrong, which will happen if I express that I don’t feel ok about what they did, their feelings are my fault. So, every time we are experiencing something “negative”, we are wrong, and our feelings should be changed.
So, that’s two parts. This is usually how it goes… I turn my attention to what’s present, then I start having reactions, which reveals my relationship to that thing.
I worked on orienting myself to the dynamic, that turning against my own feelings is what I have been taught to do, that it’s ok, I don’t have to stop the fixer from fixing, I can breathe and create space to hold them both. Again, it’s a conscious effort to truly see the dynamic, and to maintain an observer perspective and create space for the two parts. As I was settling into the space and observing the parts, I noticed I was also experiencing sadness. I could see how much my childhood affected me, how parts of me are intensely at war with my feelings. I already knew, but when it comes to awareness, you can see the same thing again and again, and each time you feel like you’re seeing it for the first time.
Back to the process… The fixer was there, but she shouldn’t, and doesn’t have to, be involved. I take a deep breath, and as I’m sending the following message inwards: “I’m here to get to know you, not change you”, I’m simultaneously reminding myself that I’m not a project to be fixed. I looked directly at the part who was angry and told her: “I want to get to know you. Do you want to tell me how you feel?”. She did. She told me she was frustrated because I kept talking to people I couldn’t be myself with, people who didn’t see or understand me, even when I told them exactly what I needed. She said I was entertaining conversation with men I was not attracted to, men I didn’t see a future with. “You are building sandcastles, and I don’t like that you are doing it”, she told me. I could feel her loneliness as she said it. She wanted a sense of permanence, and my actions stopped it from happening. She was also upset with the position I was putting her in. I wasn’t being honest with the men I was talking to, I kept talking to them even though I wasn’t physically attracted. Eventually, they would expect to kiss, touch, or have sex with me, and I wouldn’t be able to say no.
I took a moment to sit with it. She was right, I was talking to multiple men that weren’t right for me, so what was it that made me NOT put a stop to the relationships, why did I continue to engage? Was I trying to avoid something by NOT telling them the truth? I knew I wanted a man I WANTED to give myself to, fully. I knew I wanted a man I WANTED, in every possible way.
Again, I took a deep breath and focused on truly seeing what was going on. I saw that, consciously, I wanted a man whom I wanted, fully – I wanted to give myself to him, deeply, but I was not acting in a way that helped me experience that, quite the contrary. I kept engaging with men who did not give me that experience… Why? I realized I also (still) believed I was at the mercy of men, that if they wanted something from me, it was my job to give them that.
So far I had learned that she was angry with me (rightfully so), but what about me? How did I feel about her now that I was detached from my fixer self, and could I see what positive aspects she was bringing to the system? Not to the relationships I was in with others, I was purely focusing on the relationship we had with each other.
It was a question I couldn’t find an immediate answer to, and I didn’t want to force myself. I decided to put the question away, trusting that answers would naturally emerge when the time was right. Instead, my mind was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the relationships I was in that didn’t fully fulfill me. I tend to have a rather black and white way of approaching relationships, I either double down or leave. This time I was trying to find more options. I asked myself if I could give myself fully in certain areas. Would it feel good to put aside the expectation that my needs should be met by a man I could see a future with? Could I make it purely about the experience of the need? If I did, I could draw value from the relationships, but free myself from trying to make it something it wasn’t, while keeping myself open to meeting someone who WAS everything I wanted. I could communicate openly, and either they would want it, or they wouldn’t.
You would think the process ended there, but no. I was feeling a deep sense of pain: “Ok, I can have these men in these areas, but it’s not HIM”. I was feeling an emptiness and hunger that wanted to be satisfied. It felt like a black hole. When I turned to face it, I found a young version of myself who was deeply upset and hurt. Upset that no one saw her, and that no one listened. What was the point of trying to tell them if no one listened?
Again, I reminded myself to slow down to truly see. I knew her efforts… I knew MY efforts… Endless attempts to make people see. I broke down, crying. The following truth surfaced:
I just want someone to hold me and never let go. I want them to stay forever and never let go.
I was sitting with a desire to be accepted as I was. No underlying agenda to change, just pure, unconditional presence. I was yearning, longing, desiring, to be loved exactly as I was in the moment. In that moment, I felt an acceptance come over me. I’m here. Now. It’s ok. I’m ok.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 