After questioning where I’m investing my energy, which led to my last post about what I no longer want to fight for, I started questioning what commitment and ownership means. What do the words mean to me? I’ve wondered if commitment and ownership is the same thing. I’ve thought about how much I want to be with a man who is fully committed, to then observing my reactions which is a lot of mixed feelings. I’ve asked myself if I’m fully committed, and what I’m fully committed to. In some instances, I think I’m more committed than I am, that led me to question why I’m not. The last question I’ve been pondering is what it looks like to be fully committed, what it requires me to do/ who it requires me to be.
I haven’t landed on much, but one thing is clear.
It has to be worth it.
Until I started questioning my level of commitment, I would say I was fully committed to my relationships. I put in a lot of effort and didn’t give up easily. Now I realize I’m wrong about my level of commitment. In some (many) of my commitments, I don’t stand 100% behind the commitments. There are parts of me (parts I’m not aware of) that don’t want to be involved, for different reasons, that affect how I’m showing up (or the lack of showing up).
It’s hard to explain, but my belief about relationships is that I have no choice. My parents never really listened to what I wanted, I had to do my best with what they did. You can compare it to bring aesthetics into a prison cell instead of getting out of the cell. You think you are empowered because you make the cell look nicer, but true freedom would be to leave the cell.
It never crossed my mind that there were parents out there who were different. A child doesn’t think that way. I didn’t think that there were parents who listened to their kids’ feelings. I should have learned that by experiencing MY parents listening to MY feelings. Our parents are our entire world, the way they treat us becomes our world view.
One of the ways i empowered myself when I was young, was to cut off the parts of me my parents didn’t want. They didn’t like it when I felt hurt or was upset by what they did, or when I asked (confronting) questions, so I hid. I put away the anger, hurt, sadness, and my questions. I focused on making them happy.
My relationships today are nothing like the one I had with my parents, yet my pattern still remains. My habit is to hide my negative feelings. I hide them from myself first and foremost, but also from my friends, all because I believe I can’t be accommodated. When I manage to step out of my “blind commitment” and “false” empowerment, it’s usually because I have become aware of a negative feeling. Negative feelings are a curse when people don’t want to accommodate them, but when you are in a relationship with people who care, the negative feelings will help you improve the relationship.
Discovering my feelings and truths is my biggest commitment. That’s why I keep discovering more and more of the feelings I used to label as “negative”. Learning about them is a two-edged sword. If I find a way to feel better in the relationship, the relationship improves. If I don’t, it hurts.
Our level of commitment hinges on our level of awareness. What most of us consider commitment is watered out, it’s not true commitment.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 