In lieu of my recent quest to try to understand commitment, responsibility, and ownership, I’ve also started to question what it means to attach, or to be attached.
When I think about attachment, I think about being attached aka connected to, coupled with, or glued together. Like your arm is attached/connected to your body. Your arm can be DE-tached, can lose your arm; it can be torn from your body. What if emotional attachment works the same way, that you consciously or unconsciously connect end up in the position of an arm; your well-being depends on being attached (and treated well – no limb will thrive if it’s mistreated).
I expect myself to establish secure relationships, to attach. In all honesty, being in the field of self-development has made me feel like I SHOULD work towards secure attachment (on a more genuine note, one of the things I long for is to surrender). I expect myself to rely on others, and to give them my vulnerability. I ALSO expect myself to also not break if they mistreat, or let go of, my vulnerability. The inner voice is telling me “If they let go and I feel like I can’t take it, I have been TOO attached”. There’s a lingering expectation that I should secretly hold myself, just in case they let go. I should rely on others but catch myself if they let go. Somehow, I feel like it’s shameful to experience the brutal, painstaking, heartbreak of being shattered.
Reflecting on attachment is making me realize that that giving yourself to someone and the pain that follows if they let go can coexist with my ability to, after the fact, pick myself up and hold me through the healing process. I no longer want to adhere to the twisted expectation that I should surrender and simultaneously hold myself.
If I give someone myself and they mistreat, hurt, forget, or let go… Will it hurt? Yes. Will I be ok? Yes. Is it also true that I just lost a part of myself? Yes.
Relying on another person requires them to show up. Not say that they will, not “kind of” show up… I want them to be proactive, to tend to what I have given them as if they were holding themselves. I want to surrender and be held. I want to cultivate relationships where I can put myself into their hands and let go.
At the same time… I don’t want my partner (or friends) to be stuck to me like an arm is “stuck” to my body. That would feel suffocating. I want spaciousness and freedom. I ALSO want the feel that someone is a secure constant in my life, that they are always connected, and that they care in a way that says: “Because I care about you and want you to feel loved, supported, and cared for, I want to be here in a way that benefits you”. I want someone who WANTS to be by my side, doing life with me, who wants to stay on the same path and remain in secure connection. Someone who, when I give them something of me to hold in their hands, I can let go and trust them to hold it and treat it as the precious thing it is.
Gunhild Archer, counselor 